Seeing as no one will ever read this, pity, I can use it as a way to actually vent in ways not possible by written word. Mostly due to the fact that I cannot write fast enough to match my own thought processes. Even typing has its limitations, but at least a few typos are better than missed ideas. Oh well, yeah just realized there is no real grammar correctness here, eh, what can you do? Who was that question to, whatever.

So work was a fucking annoyance, but does anyone care, no! I know I should leave, but as always I hate change. Plus, I have the skills below that of third world immigrants. Columbia may teach one how to think, and how to apply that to changing the world, but it does not exactly give one the necessary skills to make it before such a time as that, ie, I have no useful abilities. Hmmmm. Sucks, but what can you do?

There is a lot to think about, and seeing as even you won't read this, I can say what I like. I'd be less likely to have things found here, than in "the journal". Ironic no? Why did I just write "you" anyhow. And is it weird that I write to myself as you as well??? Now I just sound like a loon. I need some sort of structure. Xanga is written to the masses. My journal is written for recording purposes and to emote, so as to not go crazy, literally. Best idea Dr. Tsai ever had. So what purpose does this have? I know one thing, if I truly write as much as I have to say each time on here, no one will ever get this far, so I have no fear of being implicated here, hahah. Oh the wonders of me!

Ok, backto brass tacks. What is said purpose, and what are my goals. Well, how about I will write like you are listening, and for once not tearing down my ideas or emotions. Okay, so a sounding board? Perhaps. Of course, the "Contract" is here. So that means initial purose was to keep a record of all decisions and amendments. Which I need to make in two weeks. Must note that to self. Done! Oh yeah, I think my photographic memory is fading, or memory in general. No one knows this, but it scares me. I actually get lost at times driving or even walking, while thinking. Like I cannot remember what I am doing or where I am at, etc. God, I hope its just stupidity. Yet, why would someone have this happen more and more frequently. Ok, second purpose, record of days from third person perspective like journal, but not for my benefit. Makes no sense to anyone but me. That's okay.

It's so funny. I really do have a lot to say. And I realize, I have no audience to listen. My own fault. I would say I will change, but that would change the inherent virtue I carry as well as vice. Definitely martyr complex coming through as Nick would put it. Second note to self, I had thought of telling some people about this, but maybe not. If no one knows, I can truly be honest. God, these are long entries. Where to end?

Well, how about this. Gotterdamerun: Twilight of the Gods...We thought that we were Gods, and treated life as though it were true. There were no consequences, and everything could be reimagined when we made a mistake. Perhaps, now we have suffered the consequences of our actions? I do not know. For my part, I know I will pay for all I have done someday. Perhaps I am now. But, I also know, I have recieved in abundance what I sought almost four years ago....

I'll end there. Later, perhaps I'll explain that, and my great infatuation with things. Third note to self, use this, with Xanga, and of course, Journal, when time comes to write book/memoir. For anyone else but self, probably not. But, as historian, I'd like some tactable memory of me to go on...children and famly aside. Have we reached the Gotterdamerung? We'll see...