Sunday, September 02, 2007

"Overwhelmed... And nothing's even started yet!"

So yeah, school starts in like two days and I have to get my work done for my first classes already. I feel a sense of overwhelming...dread, fear, agitation, not really sure which would be an apt description. I just know that I have a sense of everything being too much. It is not a good feeling to have before anything has even started yet. Perhaps this is because my summer grades just were not up to what I would have hoped. It all becomes so disheartening that even in classes I like or that are easy I end up doing just average. Yet I have not found a niche to studying or exam taking to pull me up to the next level.

Also, I think the random turn of events with the Doctor make me completely overwhelmed too. He is great, and would be the perfect boyfriend except he does not want to date me. We do everything like we were together, yet there is a wall. This all too familiar scenario will grow old quickly. Yet, he is a good man for all the relationship flaws that are the undercurrent to our "friendship". Why speak of a future if we are just friends, it is not logical. Everyone tells me to keep up with him, play the game, show how great I am, but keep distant, play hard to get, and work the game to my own advantage. Since when did just trying to date someone require a 100 page manual? The confusion is not what I need right now. Plus he is conceited as hell, when it comes to some things. I told him that I am only okay with that because I am so pretentious that our vices will cancel each other out.

The Doctor has shown me so much more of Philly than I ever dreamed existed in this little city. I want to show others how cool it can be, but my friends are so damn boring in law school that no one would be interested. They are so damn happy and content to go to the same bars and dives. I'm not anymore. Now I drink out of pure boredom, and if that's the only reason then I really am starting to not see th point. If it is a part of the venue or time out that's cool. But if we are just drinking because we have no better ideas, that becomes repetitive and pathetic. This year is supposed to be easier and more fun. I wonder if that will be the truth for me... I can only hope it's true, because deep down I don't believe it will be true...

Saturday, June 30, 2007

I wish I knew what to do to fix all of these problems and issues. I wish I was not so literal when it came to my friends and family. And I wish that I knew how to realize that I am not the center of the world, but that does not make me any less than anyone else.

So much is going on right now. I am fighting against myself on all fronts and I do not know how to change that. Therapy seems best except when I just do not think that they therapist gives a damn. That tends to cause great consternation on my part. But is this real or made up angst. I really cannot say for sure. After all, I tend to be too dramatic according to most. This is definitely true. Must be a childhood trait I never outgrew.

There are good things going on in life. Law school is tending to go along smoothly. My grades, though so so, are not beyond repair. My friends are generally great people who mean well. Unfortunately I am attracted to friends with the same character flaws as myself, which are self-centered nihilistic types. But they are all also optimists and loyal. That matters. My family is well same as always, but sometimes that's a good thing too. As for the "other" category. Well, I need to listen more. I never do hear what he is saying. The difficulty lay in wondering if he is actually right and then figuring out what that means for me. I do not know.

All I do is search. When will this search end? And why am I so hell bent on death when I have so much to live for. Mere immaturity and selfishness do not explain all of it. But I do not know how to figure out the answers. For all my relative ease of living, I am unhappy. How very ungrateful of me to feel like this. Sometimes I just feel like nothing has changed, and nothing will change. What do I do then...?

Sunday, March 18, 2007


This single word, the last in the book the Lorax. It is very fitting for life right now. Unless. Unless I change, and become a man of some worth, I have lost. Unless I stop worrying and comtenplating, I will not be satisfied. Unless I work harder and get A's I will be kicked from my dream. Unless...

There is very little to say right now. I think that I am completely confused. I write this wondering if anyone but myself will see it? I write knowing I drove away a friend, again. And I write, realizing I have only myself. Not that there are not those who care, but unless I grow and rely solely on myself, nothing will change, and I will be lost.

I do not want to be unhappy and i do not want to be lost. I want back my confidence. And I want to make those around me happy. I want to make myself happy. Yet, I also know, that though my ways of coping are not anyone else's, they are still mine. Unless I take ownership of my being, I will be run over by every person till the day I die.

Unless I stand up for myself and what I think and what I believe, I will be nothing. That idea cannot be borne. I am something, whether affected, imperfect, crazy, or abstract oh well. I am the amalgamation of all that has surrounded me since birth. Every person has affected, altered, and imprinted a bit of themselves on me. To deny my birth, my upbringing, and my current knowledge would be to live life in vain. Unless I grow up, i will be alone.

So much happens so suddenly. I am so smart, yet so blind to the realities of life. Now life is here. And I will face it head on. I hate anticipation, but I never back down from the present. I fight all battles once here. I am tired, mentally, physically, spiritually. I want and need a break. But it is too late. Unless I find and use my inner strength, I will become nothing.

I grow. I hurt. I will not move on happily and hope I do not have to. Yet should it come to that, in any facet of my life, I know God will give me the fortitude to see it through. I am tired of being a victim... Unless I find a way to stop, I will lose everything I care most for in life.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

" First name- Crown; Last name- 1) Branches or offshoots, olive branch 2) palms or palm branches, from "Domingo dos ...," a Catholic feast day known as Sunday of the Palms or Palm Sunday.

Here I going to bypass my usual entry style, and instead look into the meaning of a first and last name. What the actual entymology of the words are, then the inferred, and finally what they imply combined as well as how fitting or unfitting they suit the owner. After all, many believe our names help to shape our character. And with a combination like this one, its a wonder most do not see this prior declaration.

The entymology of such a first and last name combined is quite the interesting event. For the two words combined in one meaning, Crown of branches, brings to mind, the crown of thorns, or thistles. This appurture being the article placed on Christ's head prior to the crucifixion. What becomes more interesting as you delve into the entymology of names, is the secondary meaning of the last name, palms or palm branches. After all, were they not placed on the Via Dolorosa as Jesus entered Jerusalem, where many thought he would be "crowned" King of the Jews. Your parents certainly named you well. The double meanings and infered applications are fitting for one so enigmatic at times and sure of themself at times. But also one who has a deeper side, that few see and even fewer understand. And do not take this as a parallel to Christ, that is just sacriligeous, however, if you take it as a parallel to Jesus as man, that is actually no less than He would wish. Amazing the contradictions of Christianity.

So the crown of thorns has a very definitive meaning, of which I was unaware, until I began researching a bit on this subject. The general concensus is that the crown of thorns represents both the mocking of Jesus' place as King as well as one of the symbols of his human suffering. It it in this complete humiliation that Jesus may become humbled as man under the power and auspices of those inferior to himself. It is another way that He becomes wholly man, the only other time near the end being when he asks God, "Why hast thou forsaken me?" Having a name that represents this time event then is interesting because it encourages you to be both humble and abject at times. However, crowned one, itself as the first name, gives you a regal bearing and title of sorts.

The other meaning for the last name that went with branch, olive branch is funny because it makes you the peace maker. Are you? I am not sure either way actually. But definitely something to be pondered.

Did you ever know what your name meant, more first than last? That would be interesting to note because it does have a sense of entitlement and regality versus some people's names, that are nonsensical or boring. Plus you have a more unique name, so you almost always will be individual versus a name like Matt or John, etc. I think that you exude this individuality in so many ways, and your name has helped as that part of us which is so tied to our being, to solidify that fact. Heck, now that you have put the two names together, that may also help you to think upon your personality more or I hope it will.

The names have a tie to a very important event in history and religion. For that reason alone, there must be purpose, or I feel there must be. After all, I tend to look for more esoteric values than most. What are you crowned with, and what branches or crown of branches do you carry? Knowing what I do, the name is perfect for the life lived, and responsiblities undertaken both by will and circumstance. Think on it. Some reason has given you names that mean peace, crowned, or crown of branches [thorns]. Look to your sacrifices and look to your virtues. Therein lays the most intense meanings, because our names do not own us, we own our names...

Sunday, February 04, 2007

"The only way to get what you want, is to do things for yourself!"

I have tried everything I can possibly do to make sure I do not have to grow up, or change who I am inside, just to get through law school. Still, I fight to keep my inner core of my being true to who I am, but I have made a very big differentiation finally. Growing up and defending oneself, is not the same as losing your soul to the law. I will not let people get in the way of what I want.

Perhaps, I still wonder what it is I want, but I know that no person or persons will interfere with my finding out, and achieving any goals I set. The hard aspect of this, and in growing is that I now see, some people are just not worth the fight. Last night I was asked why I do not want to fight for a friendship, and I said, because he is not good enough. A small band of friends whom I rely on and who will always support me or set me straight if need be is all that is necessary. Someone who is a fair weather friend is not worth the effort. For the first time in my life, I am starting to see that I do not need people, and even the ones I think I need or want, may not be around much longer, so I better move on and rely solely on my own fortitude.

Oh boy, two weeks to go before finals. Amazing, its worse than the SATs, PSAT's, and even the LSAT's because these tests, though not defining who I am in value, will be a big determining factor as to if I am staying or not. It sucks, because for the first time in a few months, this week, I felt like I belong. And that's important because I did not do anything of great note, nor was the week fantastic understanding wise. This allows me to believe that hard or easy, I maybe have a chance. That is all I can rely on, but it has to be enough. A chance, a hope. I have staked my future on such little things before.

At a time when everything around me is falling apart and I feel like only the select few are on my side, I grow. When everything is good, one grows complacent. It is adversity which matures and refines us. Either I am a man or I give up on everything and it is finished...

Monday, January 29, 2007

"It's all in how you look at it..."

I had my meeting with the Dean of Students today. I found the meeting to be quite satisfactory, and even helpful. She allowed me to speak freely of my fears and ask any questions that I may have on anything related to my law school career or future at the college of law. She said that it is not uncommon to question one's placement at this point in time, and asked if I felt a fire whenever I studied for classes or wrote my papers. Then she asked if I understood her meaning and to think about that. For me, this was a very good way to explain it as it deals more with just pure emotion and gut feeling than the logical side and thought processes.

I asked if there was a job out there for everyone when we graduate, as long as we graduate. She assured me that this was the case, and to not use that as a guiding tool. Another question posed, was where do I see myself if I should leave and how do I know of that. I of course explained my affinity for seminary and the ministry in some form. Ironcially enough, that was her two choices as well, the clergy or law school. She gave me homework to do over spring break to help me figure out what is right. So I have to go on a mini trip and discover what lay beyond the scope of Philadelphia proper.

Anywho, it was a helpful update and fulfilled some of my desires to know what lay out there after law school, whether I stay or go. I know that I have much more to ponder and comtemplate, but I feel an inner strength that I did not have previously, that whatever my desicion may be, it will not be one made hurriedly or in vain. Though the decision is all mine and truly only effects myself, I am happy to know that so many have helped guide me in this tumultous time...

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

"7 DS"

So today my friends and I played a game that was created originally as part of the test for MENSA, but now is all over. You have a number, and then letters following, and the sequence stands for a common phrase or makes a sentence. We racked our brains over some of the harder ones, and luckily one still remembered all of them from a time she first did them. So the title of this post is one I made up. Very simple, at least if you know my tastes.

Law school certainly does drain the soul of all its hope and expectations. After this past weekend I have much to ponder and understand about the present, and my future. Normally I revel in self-awareness and inner comptemplation. Not so much this time. There are choices to be made, which will certainly be tough, and I am making them before I even have all the facts. It's like trying to drive a racing course blindfolded at 150 mph.

I have definitely been having loads of friend issues over the past few weeks. So I have decided that it has to be me! There is no way everyone can be against me, that's just paranoid. Of course that means that in the past few weeks, I have gone from sensitve, to oversensitve, and now I have reached my peak, Hypersensitive. Not something to be proud of, but true. Every little thing sets me off now. No way this is good for my psyche. Although on the flip side, makes my decision to stay or go that much more objective, because I do not have to think of missing or not missing friends.

Layers of my self are sloughing off, and I have no clue if for the best or worst. Although, I will say law school has brought out all of my worst attributes at one time, and very few of my best. Is that telling, or just what was expected? I need someone who has been there and done that to explain if this is normal, but whom? As for the rest of my life, well it certainly has become more exploratory than I would have ever guessed. Just a little bit of my prudish side is gone, who knew I still had one, and I am eager to see what else is out there!

Well I know one thing for sure, I need to keep my mind active, and not just in a legalistic sense. If I do not read and write, play some music, and try learning other things, I will wilt. Perhaps a new hobby is in order. We shall see... here's to many sleepless nights figuring out what the Hell I need to do to succeed...