Saturday, May 06, 2006

Idealization or Reality???

It is sometimes so damn hard to tell the two apart anymore. I think our wishful thinking creates an ideal, that becomes so ingrained, that it appears to be actual reality. Yet, it is just what I said, an ideal. What becomes of the ideal when faced with reality? That is a tough question, because the human mind is so capaple of self denial, and adds shields around our hearts and mind, so as not to fall apart when confronted with what is, versus what we want.

Take for instance Oona. I have always thought of her as perfect in every way imaginable. But as so aptly pointed out to me, what happens when I see her perfetion held up to a light and dissected by a periodical so impersonal as Playboy. Will I still think of her as perfect, and to be so crass, could I get off looking at what I have supposedly said is the only body I would fuck even post coming out and such? If not, that is a form of reality versus idealization. I have tried to imagine out there, at least one woman, whom gives me a last vestigial tie to the "straight world". I do believe it is time some ideals are destroyed, and false hopes put to rest. After all, you have pointed them out to me, and that is the one thing, once they are shown, you either decide to deny the truth completely or face it and move on.

I find this to be true in so many aspects of my life. I am coming to see myself at a pivotal point, where I no longer can lay blame on any but myself. But I am at a loss as to what to do. Letting go is not an option due to my own human frailty and fidelity. Change most likely will never come. But I cannot go on bitching about the same things anymore. I cannot change people to match an ideal that I fell for, neither can I hold it against them for not living up to it. That is unfair.

I must find an answer though. Pain of any kind can only go on so long. Presently, I grow weary of feeling the same all the time. And I grow angered at letting myself be used, with my own knowledge. Ignorance can at least be forgiven, but awareness of things is unforgivable.

Am I holding onto an ideal? Or is it that I made true a self fulfilled prophecy? I do not know. Knowing all I do about one's feelings toward myself makes this all so difficult. Love, or what I think of as love, makes this difficult. If an ideal, it must be shattered so I can move on. If reality, then I am screwed because I will keep going. The signs are there, I just wish I knew how the Hell to read them. Everyone believes its obvious my choice. They do not know me, haha.

We hung out, but we did not speak while you were home. We saw each other, but looked past the other. Is that normal, I do not know. So many variables. Deals broken, pasts to reconcile, and futures to figure out. I am lost and tired. I just want to stop hurting...


Post a Comment

<< Home