Tuesday, April 04, 2006

This ones for me. I have not yet written in my own journal, most likely due to malaise or bitter indifference, but for whatever reason, I have not written down what I feel. Perhaps, when I actualize it in that journal, then all will be set in stone what I think. And for now, I do not wish for my emotions to be set in the record as thus. This can be erased, that cannot.

Odd how I feel so much for an inatimate object. Such esteem is placed in my three journals. It must stem from what is between the pages, and what they stand for, rather than simply because they are recorders of my past. As anyone will tell me who's looked at it, the stories are boring as hell. Jonah often remarks how all I do is lament, bitch, and complain on each page. But his mocking voices and attitude make me laugh, so I tend to enjoy his little diatribes on my thoughts.

Orchestra is going along well. But my greatest gains were during my practicing this afternoon. I played for over an hours time, and taught myself a little bit about how to make my strings resonate better on sustained notes. After all this time, all I needed was greater pressure from the tips of my fingers on the finger board. Simple mechanics, but I never realized it. Amazing how much I smiled over such a trifling discovery. I put it here, cause if I told anyone about it, they'd simply laugh at me. I am seen as rather ditzy already, I cannot afford to have people think it even more of me.

Dinner this coming evening shall be interesting with Matt. I trust that his spiritual counseling will be for the best. It is most definitely a business dinner than of any other nature. My soul is troubled, and has been for a while. Maybe he can give me renewed perspective, that I cannot find when I meditate on such things as my future career and past mistakes/complications. Funny how the almost minister needs the ministering now. Only fitting. I know God will provide, and maybe He can speak through even a vessel such as Matt, haha.

I do not feel sorry for myself or regret anything. I have my rebuttal, and that is enough. After much self commiseration, and actualization I think I have an idea of what needs to be said. It is an irony how some tales come full circle. Though heading into a time of new beginnings it is only fitting. I am happy with my life, though it is imperfect, and I am imperfect. It is my faith that drives me, and comforts me. Would that we were all perfect, what would be the point of Christ? There would be none.

Fitting how Lent is my least and favorite season. It all comes to a glorious end in two weeks time. Our redemption and salvation come. But, first our trial by fire must come. Our own descent into Hell, metaphorically. Can we ever know Heaven, without first seeing the depths of depravity that man and Satan have created? I think not. I am renewed and cleanses because God wishes it, and because I ask for it everyday. My human failings will never overcome my Love of God. That is my best and most lasting quality. I love. To the point of absurditiy and blindly, but I love. This must be enough...


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