Actually a repost as it were... I wrote it, erased it, then realized why fear what I feel... if anyone reads its, ie one person so be it, I have never erased my journal, and it has far worse things in it, why censor myself here. I know you understand that, as you said, you dont' believe in it either, so let it be written, so let it be done, or at least thought...

Saturday February 11th, 2006

Because I now know you will never actually read this, because you'd be crazy to, if you did. I can get out all my anger and frustration that you wouldn't let me while we were talking. It is what I need, I needed some type of closure, and not to hear how I am a lesser being than your dear perfect boyfriend. Pain, that is what I am feeling. And also, completely and utterly stupid to think that there was ever a chance in Hell, of you loving me. I guess I always could have guessed you viewed me as second rate, yet good enough to use, and now I know its true. The worst part of it all, is that I still love you. I still care about you, and still wonder and hope.Why you may ask? Perhaps, it is because I love a challenge, and perhaps because deep down, somewhere, if you realized it, you'd see, you once loved me too. And still do. We hurt each other so much, and I hurt so much, yet I persevere. All I have ever done is persevere. I am tired of everyone that I love leaving me without answers, and without caring how much it hurts to say goodbye. I just wish that it would either end or go on as always. But to change, and have to watch that change occur everyday, every month, is utterly terrific in its agony. Damn it, to ask why now, is vapid. To ask, why is he better or worse, is stupidity. And to think I could have done anything differently is reprehensible. I did everything I could and it just was not enough. All I have now is my intelligence. If you knew what I decided because of you, well you'd find me even more pathetic. At least I have some secrets and some dignity. I hold onto that and my integrity like a mantle of class. What you always failed to grasp was that love is not seeing perfection in another, but all that is wrong and still caring. You think I ever viewed you or myself as perfect? Did you ever wonder what effect four years has on the other? I should have been a gothic poet of the 19th century, high on opium, writing trilogies of loves lost. It is my destiny to look for those I cannot attain. Even out of my own agony do I want to make life a little more simple and beautiful. The "contract" is the tie that binds, and will unfortunately bind us for a long time. I knew that it would stay, what my jealousy and pain could undo. I'm an historian, I look to those moments of dramatic upheaval. Are my rantings anything but that? Yes, but even I have to look closely to see. If you have made it this far, know I was serious about your religion. I now feel it is a vested interest to help you on a path that is divine. The one thing I know, is religion. No one will ever take that way from me, or convince me otherwise. So, I feel, as I had when I first met you. Do not fall for him, or even try to do anything with him. See Christ in him, and help him to find it too. Life comes full circle. Oh Ma Cherie, what have I gotten myself into, and how do I make it all better? I know that the day I fell from grace in your mind as an intellectual scion, was the day I lost you. But, I see more. I see so much more, and want so much more. Shall our paths completely divide, which as of now could occur, though I wish it not, I still want to impart my knowledge and help in all vestiges of our friendship. Tonight I must decide what ends I must go to for that. As I wrote before, what do I owe one who I feel did so much...? Chante mi amore, je t'amie toujours... chante!