Sunday, March 12, 2006

Enigmatic times....

It appears that what lay ahead of us is just this, enigmatic times. They are wrought with both the greatest and worst that life has to bring, veiled in such mystery that I personally cannot tell what will be. So much change is occurring around us, and we do not ever realize it. That can give the sense of helplessness, and uncertainty. I feel like a train ride has begun and I am merely a passenger in life. Ever since I got into at least a law school, its like I have been taken into everything with or without my wanting it. Do not mistake me, I want to go to law school, its just that if feels like the only decision I made was to decide to apply. Now that I am in, there is no other real decisions for a few more months till classes begin. And I am suffocating till then, especially at work. It is killing me to go everyday, now that I know I am leaving. The light is there, just so far away.

Ran into my sister's old best friend growing up. Her family and mine went to the same church, and she is exactly like Sarah. It is no wonder they were friends. But we started talking for a while about what has been going on in life, and about the past. The reminiscences were like a breath of fresh air. Told her about my DUI and she was actually surprised. Saying how it was not me, since I was such the scion of the family and held on such a pedestal. I laughed, but inwardly felt such a pang of sadness. Julie, that's her name, was right. There was a time where I was this "bastion" of perfection. After waiting on a customer I told her it kills me to smile and act nice to every person, especially those I think are of a certain ilk. She laughed and said of course you do, look at your family! I guess we always did come off a little stuck up, hahaha. Then I said, true, you knew my grandmother, and we both just laughed thinking of times so far removed from our own lives now.

I was explaining this to my mom early this morning, and said I know what it was that made us laugh. It is in knowing there are people who hold a key to our past. That even if we are nothing like that anymore, or really do not think about it a lot, can know that someone else remembers it too. It is why we love our siblings and parents so much, or our oldest friends. They remember things in a way others cannot, since they have only been told such things. Lois and Lisa represent the only ties to a past and present that I have. I miss one because she has cut ties. But hold onto the other because she remembers everything. Lois, like Julie, viewed my family as the perfect stuck up people at church, haha. Yet, she also can remember old times that I like to visit sometimes, that I need to visit. It is in our past that some of our fondest memories lay, and our greatest pains. But they make us who we are.

That may be what is leading us into this moment of flux. Knowing our pasts are now truly being left behind, and our futures are so uncertain that we have no sense of where or who we are. I had to cling to my family and home in college for that reason. Did it fully help? I cannot answer that. But, I know it is knowing I have my family, have my friends, that got me through everything. If I gave up though, all their help and all there love would have been in vain. So I fight on, and even when I trip, I know they'll catch me, set me right, and say "keep going"...


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