Monday, March 06, 2006

Never again...Never never again!

I do not know how I will do this, but I will suppress all hope and expectation until such a time as I am sure what the outcome shall be. You may think I am overly dramatic for this, but I think its no more than going back to whom I once was, see how well that turned out hahha. But there is a twist, in that I am not crazy anymore. Merely in survival mode. Plus I will do anything to save a ray of hope for what I have no control over anymore.

One's happiness cannot and should not ever be based on another. While it can be based on this, it must not be the sole reason for it. Besides, I have a lot of work to do if I wish to be the lawyer I plan to be. So many changes, and so much to make right. I guess that all I was ever told is a lie, and that I really am not alright. All those qualities that others said were so special are wrong. It hurts to know that on one hand one whom I loved thought so highly of me and all I am, but did not see how this would adversely affect my future. And another, sees it, tells me, but will not help. At least I realized this change needed to be made on my own. I guess some pragmatism has worn off on me finally.

There can be no more tears, and I put regret behind me a long time ago. At least I know a few of the old tactics still come in handy for emotional control, hahah. Good thing you never forget. Amazing though, before I took on a task for mere survival, I take this one on, to become the best! Maybe people do laugh at me behind my back, but I have survived far worse, and I will take those jests and feed off of them. My strength will grow, and someday no one will be able to hurt me. Yet I will help all those who need it, or whom I love and wish to push further ahead.

My innocence died a long time ago. My goodness is yet to come. Now I will learn how hard I can push myself to have what I want. Patience is a virtue and I have all my life to practice it. I am if nothing else, determined...Tonight I bid the last vestige of Philip adieu, and begin to chrysalis until I am reborn. Lent sure does have an odd effect on me!!! God willing all will go as it must...


Post a Comment

<< Home