Sunday, February 19, 2006

Seeing as I have done very little today, and cannot figure out why that is, I will write here to give myself some sense of accomplishment. Poor dear blog, I have avoided you quite recently, oh why is that? A few ideas, but none which shall be shown the harsh light of day...yet! To write some ideas down is to give them full life. And well, there are just some thoughts I would rather see die off into oblivion.
What I wanted to write about is the recent occurence of instant recall at the most innappropriate moments. I understand everyone thinks of random past events at times, because of a sight or smell, etc, but usually there is a correlation between the instance of it occurring and the present situation. This is not the case for me. For example, I was out last night at Friendly's and thought about the most random past event that had no tie to ice cream or the like, and started laughing my head off. Everyone at the table thought I went mad. Or while Fibbing at work, I thought of the "Shaker Dance" (what I call the dance done as you make drinks), and went into hysterics. But also, I will be driving or at home, whatever and think of bad events in just as much detail. Yet, there is no actual relation to the event going on.
If I had just a normal memory maybe this would not bother me as much as it does. But hoenstly its freaky when you all of a sudden relive moments better left in the past or at least for more appropriate reminiscent times. It's like control over my memory cortex is slightly off for now. I find that well annoying. Also, it interferes because even as I talk to people it happens and I tend to space for a sec.
As for dreams, they are having the same issue. My dreams usually are just that, dreams. But now they are sprinkled with the past to a degree that I wake up feeling like I just relived my past. The Mayans and many other cultures, including those of the Aborigines of Australia believed in the dream time or some other version of it. They describe it as the idea that our memories from the past can be accessed, and in some cultures, that even those of other people can be accessed because they are all interconnected in the DreamTime. Could it be that due to my pure blood line of mayan lineage that somehow I can still access this. Even by Christian doctrine, I see no conflict, after all, the most important prophets often used dreams and memories to rise to prominence or spreak God's message.
Joseph, one of my greatest idols (funny using that in religious context), was the best of all the dream tellers. He knew his whole future from dreams, yet was not to understand them all till the events came. Maybe God wants me to use mine, but for now is just preparing me by forcing recurrant past events. Or maybe I am just going crazy, hahahah. Probably the latter due to too much time and stress with no one to talk to about it anymore.
Amazing, how you, meaning I, get my way and I am happy with it, but have not figured out a way to adjust. It is like if I let go, I will be so at a loss I will not be able to function (dramatic eh?), but if I do not, how healthy is that? Everyone else seems to be able to do it so well. And the one person I want to talk to about this will just laugh at me... But I suppose I have to finally open up and be humble enough to say, listen here's how I feel, get it off my chest, and move on. The dumbest part is the only reason I fear talkign about these feelings is pride. For all I have told my friends and family the most simple emotions make me feel the most vulnerable when shared. I really must work on humility... Well, maybe I will try. After all, if they can, why not me???


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