Utility. It is amazing what usefulness does to improve our feeling of wrestlessness, and malaise. Lately, though getting applications done, and things improving at work, I still felt useless. Maybe that is the wrong word, but I guess not active in anything that I find important or palpable to the present made me apathetic. That is an apt description. We need both future and present goals to keep ourselves and our minds alive. But, as of recent, I just did not feel that I had present goals. It is why I have been reading so voraciously, to give me some minor goal of say, getting a book finished in a week, etc.
Well, for the first time today, I did not simply play in orchestra and get lost, only to slowly catch on after everyone. I was leading, versus following others. My sight reading was finally near par to high school, when I practiced everyday. That felt so damn good! Also, I am beginning to enjoy the music we are learning. Initially I thought our piece was all over the place, and discordant. Yet, now I am feeling the music and its inherent beauty, though still quite discordant sound. I suppose its the difference of looking at art, and understanding what you are seeing or hearing. I finally heard the music for what it is, and that made it come alive.
My fingers caught up to my bowing and up to my reading of the music. There was inspiration. When I got home I spent over an hour simply listening to the music, following my score, and then notating the time so I can practice with the music more easily later on. Dorky, of course. But refreshing. I was having fun, and it has a purpose. It gave me a purpose to work up to making my part good, and seeing as I outplay others around me, making us sound great! It's a little thing, but meant so much to me. I guess its because I really do love playing violin more than anything, but downplay it because well, I will never be a virtuoso. And, those listening to me, know that all too well, hahaha. Just one of those dreams that were a bit to unrealistic to come true.
When I play in orchestra, I get a bit of that dream back. Thinking I could play anything, and someday end up at Carnegie Hall playing to packed audiences. I guess that's it. I get to dream a little. Law school is different, I will be content to do it. But, you don't dream when it comes to your pragmatic future. And other dreams such as just future plans are too remote. This is a dream I've had all my life, and let go in college. Now, though not going ot happen, I can have it again. Those are the best kind. You just sit back and think of all that could be, no regret or sadness, just optimistic bliss!
Utility...It's good to dream, and have back a little bit of that virtuosity that took 16 years in the making...