Make a Fucking Decision Already...!!!!!!!!!!!




This is what I have been telling myself for the past few days now. I know that I need to do it, and I know I should do it, but I just cannot bring myself to do it. There are so many fucking variables in the equation, that I cannot make a decision that fits all the categories properly. My emotions say one thing, and my mind another. I realize that though so tiny and small to the grand scheme of life, this one decision at this one moment, means so much to me.

Cutting off a whole section of one's life is too difficult. But trying to build a new entity of what already was, is hard too. You do not see any difficulty because you feel nothing. You want nothing, and I want it all. Fuck it, Stephan, I Love You, but I do not know if I can like you or befriend you. Do you realize how much you hurt me, and put me down. I built a castle, a mote, a foundation, and all that is above and below and still it meant nothing. If my Love was not enough, how can I invest my friendship and not feel trepidation that you will just throw it in my face? I do not want to say goodbye to you, but I do not want to feel belittled and hurt again either. I would say tell me what to do, but you can't can you?

I'm confused and lost. I have no honor, that is true, but I do have integrity. Somehow I know God will sort it all out. I just hope it is in time before I lose everything I struggled for these past four years....