Sunday, November 05, 2006

"Decisions, Decisions..."

I do not know whether to make my decisions in the silence of my mind, or to vocalize them to you or someone close. Also, I have never faced this particular challenge to know what is proper decorum. Decorum, ha! I try to write and speak so damn eloquently, when I have no real control over my own life. Sometimes propriety, manners, and class, I just want to throw all away. What have they really done for me? I was trained to be this little proper boy, to grow into a proper gentleman, in a time that does not exist anymore. But neither I nor my family knew that then. They thought I was something special to be trained and polished.
Sorry, I digress. I do that far too much. So many thoughts and ideas, and I never get to the point. Integrity. Is that the word I am looking for? What does all my upbringing and my own feelings say about this situation? Well it says count your losses, and give up already. A man should only take so much. Then why do I feel like I gave up without really trying if I do what my mind says is true?
My heart. My stupid silly insipid heart. It never did know when to let go. And that is the main idea I guess. I cannot seem to let go. Years and years I grieve for those gone, who are but familial loves. And still I pine for my lost best friend, even though she broke off our friendship. Now I find myself in similar situations.
Everything I wanted to believe I made myself believe is untrue. Looking you in the eye, all I will see is failure and mockery. Even if you never have it in your mind, I will skew it that way. Ma cherie, I am so utterly tired. Tired of pining, tired of waiting, yet I do. To prove my love? Perhaps. Or is it simple Pride that will not give in...
I guess if the decision were easy, then it would prove that there is no love lost. No, some are meant to serve and some to take. Why for everyone else do I only take, and yet with you I give? Why do I always ask questions in these hahaha? I ask too many questions and when I get my answer I am so upset.
I wanted a boyfriend, or at least someone who likes/loves me, even if currently we could not be together. Three years is a long time to wait, just to hear a No., on the off chance that I hear a Yes! Well first things first. I must think about any hiatus' I need to think. Finals will help because I will have a self imposed exile. But from you? Not sure if I can. Nor sure if I want to...Decisions, Decisions.


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