Tuesday, September 12, 2006

"The Remedy Defines the Right"

This statement says that the final conclusion to a contractual problem defines the right to the contract. Ie, whatever is said in the end, defines what the contract was or will be in the future. I guess I have to remedy my own right currently eg, I need to find a solution to my amiable problem.
Apparently I am not meant to have gay friends. It just never works for me to be on good terms with other flaming homos like myself. For some reason unknown to me, I do not fit the "pink code". This is some unwritten gay contract that binds every other gay guy to the flock, a fairly mindless flock if you ask me. Partially, my own aversion to what I most am associated with, flaming queens, keeps me at arms length. I have always seen those types as vapid and without substance. Mean to think, maybe, but when have I ever been called sweet lately?
I guess what most gets me is this. I can get along with every other group of people out there, from the classy to the goth. Yet the group I am supposed to most be understood by, hates me. It would be fine if I had done something to them, but I am trying to be no more or less than myself. It is like I am judge almost instantly for being too gay for the gayest. So as I have grown up I learned to despise those who hate me. Better to put up a wall before the shots are fired.
This is law school, not high school. Hell, i never had this many problems in high school. I was liked, Everyone likes me. I am too nice and cordial not to, unless placed in my line of fire. I want to let it go and say to hell with them. But, why must I do this everytime? What am I so lacking that makes me a pariah to all other gay men???

** Edit- As always I search for some meaning in the only place I feel whole and complete. So I started my real search for a lutheran church and have found two options. One nearby and on Penn's campus, but it is very modern. The other is farther away but conservative and has some services in German as well as English. Though this matters little to most, I feel a little better in knowing, whatever the outcome in my "gay" life, my religious one will always continue to welcome and enrich me. I may be gay by default, but I am Chritian by choice, even when I falter, I have my faith to protect me...


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