Monday, July 31, 2006

"Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes..."

One year, in a few days I will be considered one year older. On August fourth I turn 25 years old. That is not something I am just rushing toward with a happy heart. But I suppose everyone is right that I am not that old, nor is it the end of the world. Though I find it difficult to be 25 and have to face going to law school a week and a half later. There is so much to think about, and so much that needs to be finished before I leave.

The loose ends that need to be taken care of, are all in my own mind, I think. Yet, the full effect becomes reliant on others around me. Friday needs to be perfect when I celebrate my birthday with friends, and the like. So little needs to be said anymore. After all, did I not open up my heart more than is proper the other week. I needed to do that, though. If I am able to place all I have intellectually into law school, then I need to get out all I have in me emotionally. When I leave, it is for good as I have said. Finality does not sit well with me.

I do not know if I will get over being told I deserve to be alone. You ask why it matters what your opinion of my life or anyone's matter to me, or why so much. It is simple. Think of all I have said in the past weeks. When you care about someone, family, friends, lovers, you take what they say to heart. And when that person is the one you care for most, and you wish for so much, well you worry that your differences are what shall spell the end to all amicability.

Fear must not rule my life. There is now too much in the balance to gain or lose. I have this week to be sad, morose, commiserate, and be all around pathetic before I go away on vacation and come back to move. Afterward, I will do whatever it takes to reign in my emotion, reign in my fears, and cover my weaknesses. Three years will pass quicker than I would like. I just hope that when it is all said and done I come out stronger, more independent, and wiser.

You said one should only get joy of caring for others and not be alone by placing all one's love in one person. Did you ever wonder how that person would feel if they did it, and never had the feeling returned? Unfulfilled... So if that is what I have to look forward to, I have decided this. What is love when not unconditional? Nothing. I refuse to do anything halfway, and that most importantly implies Love. So let it be written, so let it done... I give my all.


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