Friday, July 14, 2006

I do not have a clue what is going on...

Well, here I am a few weeks shy of starting law school, with no room, no sense of belonging, and utterly in despair over my faux love life. Everything just seems to be snowballing out of my control. You think I'm an idiot and tempermental bitch I imagine. You are most likely correct. But do believe me, that if I could change my overly emotional state I would, but it, like all my best and worst qualities will be around for a long time. Only a dramatic necessity would make me calmer or at least not so childish. Grow up, yes I know. Not sure why I have not, but apparently it just has not been in me to do so. Until now...

I realize that I am pushing everyone away with my pathetic state of affairs, and dramatic self effacing self pity. Highly unattractive to all but the most sadist of us. Hence, must work on that. Plus realize, in all things that matter, I actually am doing rather well. Maybe not going to Harvard law, but I am still going to law school. Apartment search is starting to look up. And though not the summer I would have desired in the amorous sense, still has had its perks. I guess sex is not the most important thing at all. I have begun to realize that today too. If it were, then I'd still date dog collar, non consensual sex withstanding.

Just needed to write some of this out. Already beginning to feel better. Though right, must stop drinking so much. Obvious sign that I am bothered by things I am unavailable to change. So, must mature, and deal. Will take time, but Oona said that law school changes everyone. That could be the best reason of all for me to get there immediately. To all changes for the better...!


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