Saturday, January 13, 2007

"What the Fuck just happened...?"

So the last time I posted on here, I was getting ready to head home for winter break after two weeks of a second quarter of school having started. Finals had been over a month, and I was feeling pretty good about everything. Came home, break was unusually calm, and then it came! My grades. I cannot believe that I did so horribly. My first reaction was to run and hide under a rock. Then of course came anger, shame, and finally mild indifference.

It still shocks me to think that I got grades so very mediocre. After talking to friends I apparently was not the only one who fell into this range. Some did great, most did at least somewhat better than I, and one, well, just fell even behind my sad standard. Shaedenfreude. A very small part felt relieved that I was not the worst. Mean? No, just natural.

I have a lot to ponder right now. Everything seems to be falling apart, rebuilding itself, and I do not quite recognize all the new games taking the old one's places. Am I smart and lazy, or simply not good enough? Where is my future headed, and what happens if I failed? These are all unanswerable questions at leat till the entire year finishes up. The worst part is knowing I must choose to either try and risk failure, or give up for good. My one friend told me yesterday, "I know you can do it. You simply did not try your hardest because you were scared. It's tought ot put yourself out there, but now we must. Find out what you can do. I know you'll succeed, but you need to take that first step and risk failing completely."

She is right. I did try, but never as hard as I could or even thought I was necessary. Not out of sloth, but out of pride. I have never had such a challenge academically in my life. This is a new hurdle, that I never anticipated. Hmmm, I never thought of it that way till now. With all hurdles, you just have to practive and hope to God you push and push, then you can beat them all. Damn this fear of risk and mediocrity. It subjugates so many aspects of my life. Fear. Humiliation. Until they are controlled they will run my life. I am getting better, it just takes lots of practice.

As for the rest of my life. Things are fairly steady thank goodness. Family and friends are supportive and generally doing well. Others are pushing me like crazy. I get mad, but I inherently realize there is some good in it. I just need to get away or something, and contemplate everything. If I gave up what would I be losing, and if I risk it all, what would I gain? I am up against the ulimate cost benefit analysis! Right this second though I just want a some bamboo to suck on and enjoy the sugary sweetness of it all. it's a comfort object, haha. Is that wierd, I think not!...


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