"Work, Work, Work"

It is great how not all work is bad work or something to be dreaded. After all, there is hard work, there is family work, and work toward improvement. Take for instance working out. I finally am seeing results from the past months daily exursions to the gym. There are muscles that pop, which I did not even know existed. And I do not care how I look any more than I care that I feel great. I know I am trying and that is something unto itself.
Second there is school work. Well it is definitely something that is not exactly jovial work. But there is pride in knowledge. Not everyone can do this work or fully comprehend it. After all these weeks some things are starting to make sense, and what does not, I will get in time. My memo draft had a hell of a lot of mistakes and things that needed corrected. But I okay with that because I also did a lot right. Sloppy errors and organizational problems aside, it still withstood the first criticism by my professor. Also in the scope of school, I redeemed myself in Contracts class. My teacher apparently enjoys picking on me, so she called on me again Friday. I was scared to death, cause it was near the end of class and we were starting a new unit. She explained a hypothetical and wanted someone to explain why form supercedes substance. I answered to the best of my knowledge from case and pragmatism. Professor Cody said the book could not have said it better! I was grilled another 10 minutes and kicked ass. Everyone was like, wow she picked you out again, but you really got it. Talked to her after class, and to Professor Cohen about contract law. It looks like I may lean toward that for my concentration.
OCD is always fun to deal with. The foundation is laid and it seems I have found allies. Before it was personal, but as always, if you make it personal you fail. The larger picture is this. They are hurting my friends chances at doing what they enjoy and trying to take away something from all of us. So I say no. All I can hope is that I can make sure my friends in the group are left unscathed if possible.
This leads to friendship. There is always work to be done to solidify and substantiate a good friendship. I work to keep my friends in law school together and not get too absorbed by school. I always keep in touch with the Five from Columbia, and they do likewise. But all of this is fun work, because I care for them all. And family, well what family does not reuqire work, haha. But we are close and that is something.
For someone who hated work his whole life, manual work, school work, amiable work... I finally understand what my family was instilling in me, the ability to do any work, and be proud of all the accomplishments it brings...

"Dark & Twisted"

Well, that about sums up some of the things I have found out and this in general. It makes me laugh now, which is a good sign. A week ago I would be all upset, now I just laugh it all off. Apparently the "secret society" now known by their true name "O.C.D." (The Order of the Crimson Dawn), hahahah. Wow, you know you're started by fags when that is the strongest name you could come up with. So anyhow, my friend Zoe told me a few new facts. The Crimson Dogs wrote to our Dean saying they should by default make up the entire student gov't, but were turned down... awwww. Pity. I could not have asked for anything better. How stupid can you be to let the Dean in on your "society". Apparently Zoe then wrote saying she had nothing to do with the group. Oh, Mark, the gaysian, put all 12 or 15 of the member's names on the letter he sent. Moron.
Next on our list. Grey's Anatomy. I really enjoyed it. A bit disparate in all the character's interactions but still very good. I decided that how they describe Meredith is quite accurate, plus I am sort of that way, "Dark and Twisted". I did after all explain that perfectionists do tend to be all aflutter when it goes away. Well, I became that way, I got very dark and just hide it under a veneer of crazy and insecure. I see good things coming out of this season.
Classes as I had said went great. Oh yeah, I do believe I'll run for the student government. Might as well use my newfound funny man status to get what I want. Or at least to keep some others from getting what they want, hah. Mean, nah. Simply paying back for the past. Plus it will look good resume wise, and get contacts.
They took something from me, and now I figure as Hammarabi said, an Eye for an Eye. Classes are great, I am actually ahead in reading... Why not entertain myself a little at the expense of other's sad sense of Nirvanna. Whoo... Besides Nick's not coming to Philly so I need something to do this weekend...!

"So it begins..."

I have one of two paths to take. Either I fight with all my being to stay stagnant and the same. Letting none of the crap around me to turn me into a cold hearted frigid bastard. Or I can become a cold hearted frigid bastard, but I decide how, why, and when. Frankly, I choose the latter. Last night was unnacceptable. Too many hours and tears were shed to get better. I will not go down without a fight. My neurosis will never have me again.

Oona was right. Law school changes you. I think its time to let it. Maturity is a cold mistress. But one who will keep guide you well through the pratfalls of life. You lose your childhood, and you may even lose some friends. Yet, you gain an entirely new perception of your life. No great lawyer ever said, "I wish I had been nicer to that defendant, or I wish I had more friends in law school." The best thank God every time they win a case, crush a person on the stand, and achieve their goal whether making partner or becoming Your Honor.

If it were not for one ideal, I would give up, because I would feel the change is more detrimental than the goal is rewarding. As is, I become my work. Not as revenge to anyone, because then they won. Not for some haughty pride, because then I am weak. I do it for a much cooler end. Friendship will come. I refuse to lose what respect I have left from you, by bitching about what does not matter. You've been kind without asking. I realize I questioned that, so I must earn any more emaphy I get.

" You are evil"
"Evil? Never...well, no, never. Stay in check and above all believe...in what is up to you, but always, believe."

"The Remedy Defines the Right"

This statement says that the final conclusion to a contractual problem defines the right to the contract. Ie, whatever is said in the end, defines what the contract was or will be in the future. I guess I have to remedy my own right currently eg, I need to find a solution to my amiable problem.
Apparently I am not meant to have gay friends. It just never works for me to be on good terms with other flaming homos like myself. For some reason unknown to me, I do not fit the "pink code". This is some unwritten gay contract that binds every other gay guy to the flock, a fairly mindless flock if you ask me. Partially, my own aversion to what I most am associated with, flaming queens, keeps me at arms length. I have always seen those types as vapid and without substance. Mean to think, maybe, but when have I ever been called sweet lately?
I guess what most gets me is this. I can get along with every other group of people out there, from the classy to the goth. Yet the group I am supposed to most be understood by, hates me. It would be fine if I had done something to them, but I am trying to be no more or less than myself. It is like I am judge almost instantly for being too gay for the gayest. So as I have grown up I learned to despise those who hate me. Better to put up a wall before the shots are fired.
This is law school, not high school. Hell, i never had this many problems in high school. I was liked, Everyone likes me. I am too nice and cordial not to, unless placed in my line of fire. I want to let it go and say to hell with them. But, why must I do this everytime? What am I so lacking that makes me a pariah to all other gay men???

** Edit- As always I search for some meaning in the only place I feel whole and complete. So I started my real search for a lutheran church and have found two options. One nearby and on Penn's campus, but it is very modern. The other is farther away but conservative and has some services in German as well as English. Though this matters little to most, I feel a little better in knowing, whatever the outcome in my "gay" life, my religious one will always continue to welcome and enrich me. I may be gay by default, but I am Chritian by choice, even when I falter, I have my faith to protect me...

"Never Piss off a Mayan..."

We are a proud race, granted we did die out because we just got lazy, but that is neither here nor there. As a culture the Maya were honest, loyal, and just, at least to our allies. To our enemies, we served quick and painful reprieve. God help those who hurt the double spirited ones, eg, the flaming homos of the mayan culture. We were espoused to be Gods in our own right because we could tap into the self with our other double spirited brethern. Oh yeah!

In this vein of pride in ones culture, I must declare my own version of war on another. It is fitting that it be another of the double spirited nature. For purposes of my own we shall call him merely, the Gaysian. He has greatly hurt my ego as one pointed out, because I am not used to having the smack put down on me. Usually I am the one who bitchily acts toward others. Unfortunately I got a taste of my own medicine. Well, it makes me stronger and hardened for the three years to come.

First I have to go all Mean Girls and as was suggested form a plan for the downfall of my adversary. Wow, its funny I can take this much time to think about it, but after three hours in the library I need a bit of a diversion. So here is the plan:

1. Destroy credibility of said person. Easier to do than imagined because I have that lovely ability of making myself seem ever the injured party. Thank god it is easy to turn compassion toward myself into anger toward another.

2. Begin as I have done already to form more bonds through traditional outtings that slowly but surely leave out those I feel shunned by. If done correctly, it will be so subtle that everyone will just think its natural only some people come and others do not.

3. Figure out a way to complain without seeming to be. This is hard for me because I am not the most subtle when I bitch. I hit people like a ton of bricks sometimes.

4. Take away those things which make him happy or at least fuck with the GSA as much as I can. Luckily I could care less about gay student organization and only one of the future members is my friend.

5. Find a way to kick him to the curb when it comes to our workout regime. May be difficult because other member, T, is way too nice to do it. I will have to think of a secondary plan to make this happen.

6. Use my closest friends to help. Should not be difficult as the straight ones adore me versus the other homos, and girls tend to trust me. So I can pick and choose who will be do my dirty work.

7. Use my sensibility in the matter and patience. Patience is a virtue and if I rush this, I will be screwed as it will backfire.

So this seems like a pretty good outline so far. I mean all I want are good friends, good times, and a few diversions from all the work school has to offer. Wow, I need to find a few new hobby or two. I have one hobby horse I would like to try, haha. J/K. Oh I guess addendum to this is also its just damn fun to mess with people for the sake of the stories I get to tell my friends from home and college. Some things never get old...

"Whistle while you work..."

Well the first day of law school certainly was interesting. My torts professor is actually a visiting teacher from Villanova Law School. She is pretty chill, but also a bit affected in the head I think. We went over a few cases and just started right off. Already I hate torts for all it stands for and how the precedents work. But at least Wortheimer, that's the prof, thinks the subject is fun and that makes it a bit easier to swallow.

Legal writing was boring as hell today but that was due to our learning statutory research. Always a barrel of monkeys. The work is slowly beginning to pile up, but at least a lot of it is pure reading and briefing. Will take a while to become accustomed to it, but nothing I cannot handle. Did not work out today because they went swimming and forgot to mention it to me, so I only had my workout clothes no suit. Oh well, just took the four hour break to take a nap back here at the apartment. Good thing, I have lots to get done tonight to keep a leg up before the weekend and my big research assignment due Monday.

As for my lovely apartment neighbors, one of them came a knocking this evening. The most horse toothed person I have met in ages was at the door. She went to UPenn. What a disaster, haha. I was a bit worried when I heard the knock, but she just wanted to introduce herself. Turns out Asian has been away for the whole weekend into next week, whooo, that's all I have to say. Although I did get quite a look from horsey at first. She is thinking of law school as well. ugh. So now I am just trying to stay cognizant to be studious. Turns out I really am going to learn a hell of a lot about contracts. I bought my other book tonight for class tomorrow. It is chock full of ideas for my next contractual agreement whatever that may be. Now I just need a study group, though doubtful that will work out. But according to my tort professor it really is not necessary to be in one. So I will be fine working on my own!...

"The choices we make, Dictate the lives that we lead..."

It is amazing how long this one quote has lasted with me. The first time that I heard it was when I was about 13 or 14. We watched the movie, "Renaissance Man" in Health class because my teacher wanted to show us what it meant to grow up and face ourselves as we do so. She was a cool teacher, Mrs. Russo. I have thought of this phrase many times as I grew up, in high school when deciding classes, and as I chose colleges. In college, when I slowly fucked up my own life. It was a constant reminder that for all we try to blame others or outside forces, it is we ourselves who most impact our life. Choices.

I know the ultimate choice of school lay within me. Definitely not the easiest one to make, but one that I am glad to have decided. Each day I feel I made the right choice, and that is rare. However I realize I already have people who feel I not only will not make it, but have not a chance in Hell of making it through even my first year of school. Amazing the guy had the guts to say this to my face the other day. He was lucky we had a lot of professors around us, or I would have kicked the shit out of him. I know, a bit crass of an action, but that was uncalled for. My friend Tom was even offended that anyone would say that to another. It is wrong and pathetic. But I will use this as the perfect push. Whenever I feel like slacking or waning, I will think how this guy said I would fail. After all, I do love a good challenge!

Whatever happens, I do have people to support me. In fact, though I had said it in passing, I may have a roomate for next year, if Tom and I remain friends this year. He is interested in moving to Philadelphia and I in getting closer to the law school. Plus two people should be able to get a little bigger apartment in the city I am hoping. This is my last real free weekend. I am going to make the most of it, even though its rainy. The least I can do is relax and get some work done. Then watch movies and maybe even see a friend or two. Who knows? Orientation is done, let the real grillwork begin...