Direction...


Who really has direction in their life at any one give time? I mean I am constantly lost, confused, or in a state of shock over random events. And that is just a normal day, haha. But seriously. Once you find your direction, what is it that gives the momentum to see that path through? I think I know. Success, dreams, family, anything that promises reward and satisfaction at the end of the day.

I think I have some sort of direction, and even a plan, just not the means to see it through yet. There are a few missing pieces to the puzzle, and until I find those, the plan will go forward, just at a very precarious pace. ie, I know what I want, just not how to get it from anyone. Plus all my best laid plans tend to have extreme variables that are out of my control. It is not a fact I like, because I enjoy control too much. Very few times do I give up that control, and when I do, it has not always led to the best situations.

So much has been said in the past two weeks, and so much has been done, left undone, that I do not know what really has come of it at all. Yet, I think I have a clearer picture than before, and as always, more questions pop up where answers were sought, and found. I guess its all a game, and unless I learn to manipulate it, I will be left behind, and that is not something I accept. Therefore, I think my direction is correct, and I will learn everything necessary to play it, beat it, and make it work for whatever is my ultimate goal...

Torn...


Blah, I hate when I have dilemnas that only really exist in my own head, hahah. I really must stop building up futures and fantasizing about things that aren't going to ever actually happen. It's rather sad, haha. But, as one who reads some books like it was 1984, and they were going out of style, I cannot help but live in literary daydreams all the time. It makes me feel better to just create all these wild stories and adventures involving me and others. Probably people would just laugh their asses off if they knew what my daydreams consist of. Mostly its winning the lottery or being a really rich lawyer who makes it big with one litigation, and then spends like theirs no tomorrow. Money, it would be great to have again, cause I'd spend it as fast as I earn it. Why save, it won't be around forever. And if I can make those I love happy with it, cool beans!

So my dreams lately have been crazy. Some are downright scary, like actual nightmares. I have not had those in quite a few years. But they are getting pretty bad, and waking me up. Needless to say, I imagine that they stem from quite a few recent events that have occured. School thoughts, friendship/nonrelationship problems, and my own paranoias, all coming to a head. I ran in one dream from room to room and no one was there to hear me scream. Or in another I was being chased by this like baby creature, very strange. Even the most mundane ones are pretty damn obvious in what they say about my phobias. Though to write those down would lead to ridicule I dont' think I can take from you right now. Your cynical laughter, though cute, would hurt a bit much right now.

Hmmm not sure what else is on my little mind... that should be good for now. I can honestly say can't wait for my concert in a week. I'm happy so many are coming to see it, just because they know I tried so hard for it...Yay!

Je t'adore....


Let's go with that for now. You never really know what's up until all inhibitions are gone. Then you realize all what the hell is going on, and wish you knew what you were doing. Anyhow, went out with Jess Clupp, tonight, tonight. She is a great kid, and totally wise for all that she is goth and the like, hahah. Anyhow, I wish I could figure some things out, and who is worth all my emotion. God knows I realized a few things tonight, the biggest being, that I have a penchant for all things dramatic and surreal. Amanda Hertzog IM'd me tonight, and that led to some fun times. She wants to know if she was going to be rehired in the spring, hahahha. I was able to just say, of course why not??? hahahaha. Oh to cross me is to screw over so much.
Then I let the river take its course and made sure that few key people knew what was up. Also, made sure to add a few adendums to my own wishes, and that should be taken care of in the future, very quickly. I may be weak and pathetic, talentless, and unsocial, but by God, I will not fail at getting my own brand of "la revenge de mes amis!". I have very certain things that need to be done, and should you ask, I won't lie. After all, I do take my own promises and contracts seriously. I am so upset though over other actions lately, that supercede my own inconveniences. Sarah, my friend from CU, just dropped out of college, and I feel so helpless cause there is nothing that I can do. I talked to her tonight and tried to be encouraging, I hoped it worked, even if just a little. I wish these bad things didn't happen to my good friends, they deserve better. I may deserve the worst, and can take it, but they are so sweet and are so good. Maybe its for a reason, I hope so, but I cannot say. Well anyhow, I hope everything turns out okay. The sermon today was John 3:16...
"For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son to die for us that no man shall perish, but have eternal life..."
For once, I think I understand what that type of unconditional love means. It may be hell, but by God, I keep my promises, and will always do for those I love, to whatever ends it may be...

There's always tonight...


Whatever, we did end up talking about some very rough stuff, but it was by my choosing, so I cannot ever be angry or overly hurt by what was said. I actually appreciate the blunt honesty, though it is hard to hear. You do "toughen" me up, that's for sure. One may say it is not the best to do to people like me, but that's neither here nor there. Anyhow, it was not one of my favorite convos to have, and lord knows I will always push for what I want. But I also will say, my determination is beginning to wane. I cannot say if you are right in wanting me to find someone else, you know how you feel, I know how I feel. I guess leave it at that for now.

As always I did a little damage control, and everything has turned out in my favor. Whew. Maybe you are right, Melissa is worth keeping around, she's loyal, if not just too ditzy at times ot know when to keep her mouth shut. So point for you, in seeing more into her than I. I'll think about my upcoming dinner with Matt on Thursday and keep your advice in mind, in case some way in pans out.

But as I said in the beginning of this, there is always tonight. I had a super great time just singing my crazy little heart out and laughing. Nothing beats seeing you work on one cord so damn hard, and mulling it over. Our harmonies may be shaky, my voice a bit weak tonight, and you're bon jovi impression innappropriate, haha, but it was fun... Friendship might just outlast dumb amorous objectives, and for once, even if just tonight, I think that is really okay. You made my mommy tear up during Via Dolorosa, but for just having this memory, all dumb questions on my part later, are worth it. I'm sappy, I'm stupidly romantic, I'm naive and clueless. I'm me... and I'll be damned, that's not a bad person to be...!

So, for the record, as far as I can tell, you are the only one I can trust.... It is a sad fact, but also a bit relieving... Everything I have told people in confidence, and I mean real friends has been let out... That is beyond my scope of belief, because if nothing else I have always kept a secret, and my promises. Even you know that is true. I mean how could Mitzi screw me over like that, she is the one person I trusted! I just feel so upset and mad about it. And its worse cause she's sick so I can't really be mad, that's like wrong I suppose. But, why must I find out the one mentor I've had in ages, betrayed me???

That leaves just you.. I do not know what to think of that. I mean everyone at work has betrayed me or said something. I just found that out tonight, and as I have always known, they tell everyone everything, or at least me... there is no one to trust anymore. What should I do mon cherie??? You are the one person I trust, and know will be there for me... Oh god, is that why I hang on... hmmmm. Well, for whateve its worth thank you! I'm sure you won't read this, as I'm not longer important to you, at least not while you're home... To betrayal, and revenge, may one equal the other....

Addiction...


Today at group therapy learned all about addiction, what it is, and what to do about it. Quite the funny time actually. Did a survey of some of the addictions to see who was in which category, such as shopping, sex, alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, etc. I raised my hand for a few of them, gave everyone a chuckle, especially the sex one. The girl beside me and I both raised our hands, and of course we were in the corner, so everyone found that funny. She's a cool girl, named Caroline, we have a play date for our last meeting to go out afterward. That should be fun!

Anywho, I learned how addictions work, and of course always knew that they were chemical versus just a lack of will power. But, what was really interesting was learning about what all one can be addicted to. I need not go into that here, but one can imagine, where my mind strayed. hahahaha. Makes sense, considering timeframe of everything. Oh well, maybe that's just an excuse too, who knows. I certainly do not. But I know that should I ever try cocaine, which I am seriously thinking about, that it could be quite detrimental to my state of current affairs. Hmmm, but it does have its plusses too.

Let's see, what else is on the board. Well missing the Drexel meet and greet Saturday, a bit bummed over that. But there is another as I have heard, in August, so that would be cool to get to. Just got some financial aid stuff, have to read that tonight. I think, seeing as my literary tastes have been mocked, haha, I will start an actual novel soon. Keep my mind active. Just practicing like crazy for the concert, and soon for Lois' wedding. Oh, also no need to look for stripped, whoooo. Yay, i thin kthere was more to write about, but my mind is blank...

Perseverence is the key. It is what I must use to succeed in the next three years. For once, I will have to use every skill, every talent, every wile to make it in law school. It is like taking all the lessons from life, and having a three year final to see if you learned anything from all your experiences. There will be times for compassion and times to fuck over whomever it takes to win. Then, I have to use all the intellect God gave me to memorize and reiterate all that I learn. Finally, I see myself using all my best and worst interpersonal skills to end up on top.
Why you may ask am I writing of this now? I would say it is two things. First, I realized that I lost my Columbia Uni address today. Luckily, all mail can be forwarded but still, its a very tough step. The last link to college life is dead. Fortunately, I unlike my friends last year, am heading off to graduate school, so the blow is not quite as strong. Secondly, I recieved some mail about law reviws and my future loans to pay for law school. The reality has hit, and I am sending my check for Drexel in two days! Whoa. It is very thrilling, but also overwhelming.
I wish that some of my friends would think to ask if I am doing okay with all of this. I am, but we all need a little reassurance that our friends are out there. It just seems that everyone is after my time, and that's cool, I love helping, but so few are there for me. Maybe its just because for the first time in a long time, months, even a year has passed without me really having any struggles, except the DUI, and even that I took in stride. I guess, my self esteem has actually coincided to match my self confidence. I am truly ready for law school if that is the case. Everything I have learned, and everything that comes my way is no longer too much. Simply a barrier to be broken down. And trust me, with my determination I will never fail...

Actions speak louder than words. Words speak volumes of who we are, and a look can make the whole world stop for one second. Why is it that some people just refuse to see what is in front of their faces. I mean I am the perfect example. I know when people are not interested and yet I pursue them for what? Certainly not to stroke my ego, and I do have a penchant for all things unattainable. And the few who ever came along worthwhile I pushed away as fast as possible.
You, third person, cannot go through life like this. Everyone has these ideals and hopes and dreams. But when you fail to see the reality and only live for that ideal, you miss everything. However, I think I am getting jaded in that everyone around me fucking has someone. Eric has a boyfriend, Kyle a boyfriend, hell even the Five other than Po are all dating or on their way down the isle. Its like I'm surrounded by fucking relationships and I'm in limbo. The one person I look to for solace, well, whatever... Why bring that up at this point. I have one last chance. God, some people will do anything to inflate their ego, and if I find out that's the case, oh god, I'll either go crazy or write the best novel of my life, hahahah.
I'm actually not as mad or upset over that as I should be. Is that a good sign, or a bad sign? Maybe I am maturing, or actually fucking care more about your wellbeing than my sex life. If you need a pal, I'll be that. But remember, sometimes the best friends know when to give and meet their friends half way! Four years is a lot to throw away for someone who may or may not be the one for you... But, that's mean to say, as always may it work, but if not, as you put it
"Someone new always comes along. Maybe not better, but someone..."

We, the USA may be in a second Cold War, because we cannot win in a "hot war" currently. Our resources are stretched too thin, and foreign public opinion lay against us. Sucks doesn't it. However, if we bide our time, and if we have patience, we will see the bleaker times end, and find our edge in. Then we simply must have a little thougthfulness, a little luck, and a lot of determination to fucking get what we want. A nation amiable to our demands and needs. Some say its a dream, but Republicans never lose these things. We started and ended the Cold War, and we shall do it again. Hence why I back them. I never pursue a losing bet, its simply not classy. The Middle East is but a game and I know that I will see a day when this rogue region is under our domination. For that I am happy.
The key to these things as with all things in life is strategy. When one road fails, you regroup, find a new path, and attack. It makes the game so much more interesting. Adversaries can never fully know what to expect if you are able to reinvent and reimagine yourself in this way. I see the Republican party as doing just this. We succeeded in 2000 and 2004 because we were able to convince the moronic masses that we were this whole new political party, instead of one that only cares for itself. Silly people, we only care and will ever only care about ourselves. After all, if we didn't who would???
So I look forward to this coming week. Should start off well, with Lois' bridal shower, and then who knows what else afterward. Good friends are finally back, and I have something on which to ponder. Never underestimate my mind, its a tricky entity... To friends, to fun, to fellatio!!!

So according to the latest statistics at group therapy, not only am I an alcholic, but a raging one amongst many. I had the highest score out of everyone, and had to make up some story as to why I was no longer one anymore. The best thing to know about therapy is when to tell the truth, ie in private sessions, and when to lie out of your ass, ie, group situations amongst strangers or worse, parents. That was one unpleasant experience I am glad to never relive. Though it does provide for some great stories whenever there's nothing at present to note.
Amazing how people remember me. Had a customer today at work who actually remembers me from her daughters party over six months ago, and that I said someday I would be on the Supreme Court. So when she stopped in today and I told her I had just been accepted to a law school, she was like, well you're on your way! It still feels good to say that. Although I won't lie and say it wouldn't be even better should I get into Fordham. But I am not a greedy man, I can deal with Drexel and turn that little wedge of oppurtunity into a mighty river.
Fidelis...That is what we all seek in life. It comes in many forms from our friends, family, or relationships. How much one can rely on another can make all the difference. Not the least because when the stresses of life or whatever come, and they do come, true fidelis is necessary and if wise, one always knows where to go for it. I have Nick, Melissa and the most of the Five. And always my family and friends. Yet, even with all that, we often want more. Why? Is it greed, or perhaps something more intrinsic? I cannot answer this. All I know is that I keep looking for it. Somehow though, I feel that lately, I may just be a little closer to the answer to my own question...but that can wait for another day!

Enigmatic times....


It appears that what lay ahead of us is just this, enigmatic times. They are wrought with both the greatest and worst that life has to bring, veiled in such mystery that I personally cannot tell what will be. So much change is occurring around us, and we do not ever realize it. That can give the sense of helplessness, and uncertainty. I feel like a train ride has begun and I am merely a passenger in life. Ever since I got into at least a law school, its like I have been taken into everything with or without my wanting it. Do not mistake me, I want to go to law school, its just that if feels like the only decision I made was to decide to apply. Now that I am in, there is no other real decisions for a few more months till classes begin. And I am suffocating till then, especially at work. It is killing me to go everyday, now that I know I am leaving. The light is there, just so far away.

Ran into my sister's old best friend growing up. Her family and mine went to the same church, and she is exactly like Sarah. It is no wonder they were friends. But we started talking for a while about what has been going on in life, and about the past. The reminiscences were like a breath of fresh air. Told her about my DUI and she was actually surprised. Saying how it was not me, since I was such the scion of the family and held on such a pedestal. I laughed, but inwardly felt such a pang of sadness. Julie, that's her name, was right. There was a time where I was this "bastion" of perfection. After waiting on a customer I told her it kills me to smile and act nice to every person, especially those I think are of a certain ilk. She laughed and said of course you do, look at your family! I guess we always did come off a little stuck up, hahaha. Then I said, true, you knew my grandmother, and we both just laughed thinking of times so far removed from our own lives now.

I was explaining this to my mom early this morning, and said I know what it was that made us laugh. It is in knowing there are people who hold a key to our past. That even if we are nothing like that anymore, or really do not think about it a lot, can know that someone else remembers it too. It is why we love our siblings and parents so much, or our oldest friends. They remember things in a way others cannot, since they have only been told such things. Lois and Lisa represent the only ties to a past and present that I have. I miss one because she has cut ties. But hold onto the other because she remembers everything. Lois, like Julie, viewed my family as the perfect stuck up people at church, haha. Yet, she also can remember old times that I like to visit sometimes, that I need to visit. It is in our past that some of our fondest memories lay, and our greatest pains. But they make us who we are.

That may be what is leading us into this moment of flux. Knowing our pasts are now truly being left behind, and our futures are so uncertain that we have no sense of where or who we are. I had to cling to my family and home in college for that reason. Did it fully help? I cannot answer that. But, I know it is knowing I have my family, have my friends, that got me through everything. If I gave up though, all their help and all there love would have been in vain. So I fight on, and even when I trip, I know they'll catch me, set me right, and say "keep going"...

Never again...Never never again!


I do not know how I will do this, but I will suppress all hope and expectation until such a time as I am sure what the outcome shall be. You may think I am overly dramatic for this, but I think its no more than going back to whom I once was, see how well that turned out hahha. But there is a twist, in that I am not crazy anymore. Merely in survival mode. Plus I will do anything to save a ray of hope for what I have no control over anymore.

One's happiness cannot and should not ever be based on another. While it can be based on this, it must not be the sole reason for it. Besides, I have a lot of work to do if I wish to be the lawyer I plan to be. So many changes, and so much to make right. I guess that all I was ever told is a lie, and that I really am not alright. All those qualities that others said were so special are wrong. It hurts to know that on one hand one whom I loved thought so highly of me and all I am, but did not see how this would adversely affect my future. And another, sees it, tells me, but will not help. At least I realized this change needed to be made on my own. I guess some pragmatism has worn off on me finally.

There can be no more tears, and I put regret behind me a long time ago. At least I know a few of the old tactics still come in handy for emotional control, hahah. Good thing you never forget. Amazing though, before I took on a task for mere survival, I take this one on, to become the best! Maybe people do laugh at me behind my back, but I have survived far worse, and I will take those jests and feed off of them. My strength will grow, and someday no one will be able to hurt me. Yet I will help all those who need it, or whom I love and wish to push further ahead.

My innocence died a long time ago. My goodness is yet to come. Now I will learn how hard I can push myself to have what I want. Patience is a virtue and I have all my life to practice it. I am if nothing else, determined...Tonight I bid the last vestige of Philip adieu, and begin to chrysalis until I am reborn. Lent sure does have an odd effect on me!!! God willing all will go as it must...

"Innocence and goodness are not the same thing..."


I must say that when I heard this statement today at church I was quite surprised. So for once, I listened with full attention to the sermon. It was a talk all about the three tempations of Christ, and what they in turn, had to say about his struggle, ours, and why it even matters to us. I will not go into detail on the whole sermom, though I know I could, and would like to. But that may take far more time and space then I am willing to take, and others would be willing to read. So, we shall write on just this one part, and one other facet that has me quite pensive, and maybe a little confused?

From I came to understand, Innocence is just a state of being in ignorance and out of harms way so far in life. Everyone has some form of it, and obvioulsy from birth begins life with it. As time goes, we lose it to varying degrees. It is therefore not merit based, but simple is intrinsic to the human condition. However, Goodness, is something far more difficult to achieve, and comprehend. For one to have it, and realize its true value, there is much struggle and pain to be had first. Without the pain, there can be no true goodness.

That was very hard to understand at first. Because it says that goodness, actual goodness, cannot come to those who live an easy life, or have not suffered in some way. But have we not all suffered at some point in our life? I think so. Well, as it relates to the tempation of Christ, he was handed the world on a platter, told to feed himself, and pushed to test God's love for him, and still he remained true to his self and to God, knowing that this path led to death. It was in the first temptation that the idea of innocence and goodness was paralleled.

Who knows what hunger is until they have not had food for a while? And who, given the ability to hvae anything would not use that for their own selfishness? It is human nature. But to deny that power and see a greater hunger, and thirst for more than palpable needs is true goodness. Christ knew he had to remain hunger though he had been in the wilderness for 40 days because of the greater good it would do. He could have remained innocent through his whole life, as a carpenter, who just happened to be the Son of God, and no harm nor worry would have come to him. He could have taken Satan's bargain and been worshipped, but though he'd feel no earthly pain, he would not be good nor righteous. It was the struggle that made Christ truly good, not his omniscience nor omnipotence. That was the hard part for me to understand.

After all, we are taught that Christ is perfect. Yet, perfection does not need to entail goodness, only lack of evil. Goodness came by truly understanding human frailty and not succumbing to it. I wish that I had such restraint and purity of spirit. So often I fail to be even remotely close to God's wishes. It is a part of myself I greatly abhor. I wonder if it is worse because I know I could change, yet fail to do so, versus those who do evil, without knowing its true effects and consequence. Though according to the sermon, the struggle we face in trying, is what makes us good, and what leads to true redemption.

The other troubling notion in the sermon was what Satan learned from the temptation of Christ. This I surmised on my own, as the minister never went in detail other than to say this, "When Satan tempted Jesus and he rejected him, he learned something of the nature of God. And this is that God was only accepting his presence for a time. And when done with him, told him to go". She said, Satan saw in the nature of God, One whom time does not matter, and who is willing to bide his time and wait. I find it troubling because until this point, all facets of God were a mystery to the Devil. He may know men's hearts and minds, but cannot ever know the enigma of the Lord. By giving even this one clue, Satan learned that God was not going to do anything soon in relation to himself or mankind. We became open stock to take, because God would wait and see how the Divine Plan works out.

The struggle became greater for us that day. For after Satan tempted Christ, we were put into this battle between each, and Satan knew for once, that he had all the time in the world. One wonders why this added obstacle needed to be added. Perhaps to make us even more rich in goodness?

I don't know why this sermon was so powerful, but there were other parts that also got to me, and made me think, about my own struggle, and helped me see human qualities in Jesus more. Maybe now, I am an open vessel to the word, because I am not as worried about my own problems lately. With the acceptance to law school, a great weight was lifted. And everything else is falling into place or getting fixed. I'll say this, if struggle can make us good, I wonder where I fit on the meter, hahah. I think you have to also have some purity in you for it to work. I'll have to work on that. But, I do wish for it.

One last note, if you've made it this far. As of Monday, I have made my choice where it relates to the Divine Plan. My mother was right, if I went to Columbia I was never going to become a minister. Is it God's Will that I now go toward a legal career? I would like to think so. He will see to it, that I remain active in the church, and will make some changes from the outside to it, rather than in. My path is set, and all I want is the support of my family and friends as I work harder than I have ever worked to become the best. After two years hiatus, once in college, and this past year, I undestand the cost of failure and the price success will be. But I am ready. To accept less than the best is to have struggled all this time in vain. Christ achieved goodness by being human. We achieve goodness in our striving to be like him, what we see as an epitamy of Perfection... Anyone else see this as the greatest irony?