Monday, January 29, 2007

"It's all in how you look at it..."

I had my meeting with the Dean of Students today. I found the meeting to be quite satisfactory, and even helpful. She allowed me to speak freely of my fears and ask any questions that I may have on anything related to my law school career or future at the college of law. She said that it is not uncommon to question one's placement at this point in time, and asked if I felt a fire whenever I studied for classes or wrote my papers. Then she asked if I understood her meaning and to think about that. For me, this was a very good way to explain it as it deals more with just pure emotion and gut feeling than the logical side and thought processes.

I asked if there was a job out there for everyone when we graduate, as long as we graduate. She assured me that this was the case, and to not use that as a guiding tool. Another question posed, was where do I see myself if I should leave and how do I know of that. I of course explained my affinity for seminary and the ministry in some form. Ironcially enough, that was her two choices as well, the clergy or law school. She gave me homework to do over spring break to help me figure out what is right. So I have to go on a mini trip and discover what lay beyond the scope of Philadelphia proper.

Anywho, it was a helpful update and fulfilled some of my desires to know what lay out there after law school, whether I stay or go. I know that I have much more to ponder and comtemplate, but I feel an inner strength that I did not have previously, that whatever my desicion may be, it will not be one made hurriedly or in vain. Though the decision is all mine and truly only effects myself, I am happy to know that so many have helped guide me in this tumultous time...

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

"7 DS"

So today my friends and I played a game that was created originally as part of the test for MENSA, but now is all over. You have a number, and then letters following, and the sequence stands for a common phrase or makes a sentence. We racked our brains over some of the harder ones, and luckily one still remembered all of them from a time she first did them. So the title of this post is one I made up. Very simple, at least if you know my tastes.

Law school certainly does drain the soul of all its hope and expectations. After this past weekend I have much to ponder and understand about the present, and my future. Normally I revel in self-awareness and inner comptemplation. Not so much this time. There are choices to be made, which will certainly be tough, and I am making them before I even have all the facts. It's like trying to drive a racing course blindfolded at 150 mph.

I have definitely been having loads of friend issues over the past few weeks. So I have decided that it has to be me! There is no way everyone can be against me, that's just paranoid. Of course that means that in the past few weeks, I have gone from sensitve, to oversensitve, and now I have reached my peak, Hypersensitive. Not something to be proud of, but true. Every little thing sets me off now. No way this is good for my psyche. Although on the flip side, makes my decision to stay or go that much more objective, because I do not have to think of missing or not missing friends.

Layers of my self are sloughing off, and I have no clue if for the best or worst. Although, I will say law school has brought out all of my worst attributes at one time, and very few of my best. Is that telling, or just what was expected? I need someone who has been there and done that to explain if this is normal, but whom? As for the rest of my life, well it certainly has become more exploratory than I would have ever guessed. Just a little bit of my prudish side is gone, who knew I still had one, and I am eager to see what else is out there!

Well I know one thing for sure, I need to keep my mind active, and not just in a legalistic sense. If I do not read and write, play some music, and try learning other things, I will wilt. Perhaps a new hobby is in order. We shall see... here's to many sleepless nights figuring out what the Hell I need to do to succeed...

Saturday, January 13, 2007

"What the Fuck just happened...?"

So the last time I posted on here, I was getting ready to head home for winter break after two weeks of a second quarter of school having started. Finals had been over a month, and I was feeling pretty good about everything. Came home, break was unusually calm, and then it came! My grades. I cannot believe that I did so horribly. My first reaction was to run and hide under a rock. Then of course came anger, shame, and finally mild indifference.

It still shocks me to think that I got grades so very mediocre. After talking to friends I apparently was not the only one who fell into this range. Some did great, most did at least somewhat better than I, and one, well, just fell even behind my sad standard. Shaedenfreude. A very small part felt relieved that I was not the worst. Mean? No, just natural.

I have a lot to ponder right now. Everything seems to be falling apart, rebuilding itself, and I do not quite recognize all the new games taking the old one's places. Am I smart and lazy, or simply not good enough? Where is my future headed, and what happens if I failed? These are all unanswerable questions at leat till the entire year finishes up. The worst part is knowing I must choose to either try and risk failure, or give up for good. My one friend told me yesterday, "I know you can do it. You simply did not try your hardest because you were scared. It's tought ot put yourself out there, but now we must. Find out what you can do. I know you'll succeed, but you need to take that first step and risk failing completely."

She is right. I did try, but never as hard as I could or even thought I was necessary. Not out of sloth, but out of pride. I have never had such a challenge academically in my life. This is a new hurdle, that I never anticipated. Hmmm, I never thought of it that way till now. With all hurdles, you just have to practive and hope to God you push and push, then you can beat them all. Damn this fear of risk and mediocrity. It subjugates so many aspects of my life. Fear. Humiliation. Until they are controlled they will run my life. I am getting better, it just takes lots of practice.

As for the rest of my life. Things are fairly steady thank goodness. Family and friends are supportive and generally doing well. Others are pushing me like crazy. I get mad, but I inherently realize there is some good in it. I just need to get away or something, and contemplate everything. If I gave up what would I be losing, and if I risk it all, what would I gain? I am up against the ulimate cost benefit analysis! Right this second though I just want a some bamboo to suck on and enjoy the sugary sweetness of it all. it's a comfort object, haha. Is that wierd, I think not!...