Sunday, September 02, 2007

"Overwhelmed... And nothing's even started yet!"

So yeah, school starts in like two days and I have to get my work done for my first classes already. I feel a sense of overwhelming...dread, fear, agitation, not really sure which would be an apt description. I just know that I have a sense of everything being too much. It is not a good feeling to have before anything has even started yet. Perhaps this is because my summer grades just were not up to what I would have hoped. It all becomes so disheartening that even in classes I like or that are easy I end up doing just average. Yet I have not found a niche to studying or exam taking to pull me up to the next level.

Also, I think the random turn of events with the Doctor make me completely overwhelmed too. He is great, and would be the perfect boyfriend except he does not want to date me. We do everything like we were together, yet there is a wall. This all too familiar scenario will grow old quickly. Yet, he is a good man for all the relationship flaws that are the undercurrent to our "friendship". Why speak of a future if we are just friends, it is not logical. Everyone tells me to keep up with him, play the game, show how great I am, but keep distant, play hard to get, and work the game to my own advantage. Since when did just trying to date someone require a 100 page manual? The confusion is not what I need right now. Plus he is conceited as hell, when it comes to some things. I told him that I am only okay with that because I am so pretentious that our vices will cancel each other out.

The Doctor has shown me so much more of Philly than I ever dreamed existed in this little city. I want to show others how cool it can be, but my friends are so damn boring in law school that no one would be interested. They are so damn happy and content to go to the same bars and dives. I'm not anymore. Now I drink out of pure boredom, and if that's the only reason then I really am starting to not see th point. If it is a part of the venue or time out that's cool. But if we are just drinking because we have no better ideas, that becomes repetitive and pathetic. This year is supposed to be easier and more fun. I wonder if that will be the truth for me... I can only hope it's true, because deep down I don't believe it will be true...