Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Inebriation is bad.... Sobriety is worse!

I have had a very interesting talk with Mark this past evening/morning and found out things I just never wanted to know. Amazing how people take a high ground and are no better than those they judge. But whatever, I am just glad that I still have enough in me to be able to take what information I can get without giving any in return. This day began with all I have ever dreaded and feared. Now that it is over, and I move on. Nothing ever actually gets me down. As much as I bitch and complain, I refuse to let things destroy my actual plans and hopes. It would be to admit defeat, and I am never defeated. Simply, held back.

At least these many long days of not driving will give me time to actually think what is important and what is necessary. Some ties are never broken, but in a weakened state wait for a very uncertain future. I do not have the answers, nor the ability to find them all out. I live life now from day to day. I am flawed, and damn proud of that, because I am caring then. For all I have done, I am still a gentleman, and a scholar. Time to let it go... just let it all go....

Sunday, May 28, 2006

I made a decision to be your friend.... Hell I made it knowing you have rarely tried to keep your own promised. So be it!'

Do not ever lecture me on being a good friend or on being the one who needs to be proper in all situations. I could care less if you have tried to do the same. But I do ask that you for once try to be the proper one and give me the consideration of a bit, for four years worth of friendship. It is over, though I wish it differently, perhaps there is something worth saving? The ball is in your court. After all, we know how I feel. And ironically for once I can say/write it out loud. I love you, more than I wish, but I love you, and should/if it ends, though you never showed it, I always felt it. Goodbye Ma Cherie,
Chante, Chantes,

Friday, May 26, 2006

Well at least I made a decision...

I guess I finally made as declarative decision as I will ever make! Who knows the outcome, but I am content within my own thoughts and pinings right now. From this point I figure I have all the luxury of time and soon to be solitude. It is funny how I am the most independent, dependent person I know of. I enjoy doing what I want when I want, but I generally need someone around to do things with at all times. This whole not driving thing will lead me to craziness. I hate that I will depend on everyone around me for two months. It gets tedious for all of you, and there is nothing I can do about it. Many long lonely nights are in my future. And any who think that my depression will not be set off it mistaken. Amazing how hard I have fought to stave it off, but what if it comes back. I'm screwed.

My biggest mental fault, is that I worry so much about the future and what is going to happen, to the point of intense misery on my part. But, when I reach that scary point, I end up being fine, and dealing with it as best as I am able. My greatest trait, nothing gets me down for long. And I always have a plan B. Determination shall get me far.

Last night was off the hook. Totally put in my place by a former classmate I hated at McCaskey named David. I cannot even begin to say how horrid I felt over a comment he made. Jess and I got fairly drunk, actually I was very drunk. I needed it. Wow, can we say burgeoning alcoholism. Well anyhow, I dont' feel like detailing too much, I'll write it down. That always helps more. Needless to say, this summer is looking like shit so far... Here's to lowered expectations!

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Make a Fucking Decision Already...!!!!!!!!!!!

This is what I have been telling myself for the past few days now. I know that I need to do it, and I know I should do it, but I just cannot bring myself to do it. There are so many fucking variables in the equation, that I cannot make a decision that fits all the categories properly. My emotions say one thing, and my mind another. I realize that though so tiny and small to the grand scheme of life, this one decision at this one moment, means so much to me.

Cutting off a whole section of one's life is too difficult. But trying to build a new entity of what already was, is hard too. You do not see any difficulty because you feel nothing. You want nothing, and I want it all. Fuck it, Stephan, I Love You, but I do not know if I can like you or befriend you. Do you realize how much you hurt me, and put me down. I built a castle, a mote, a foundation, and all that is above and below and still it meant nothing. If my Love was not enough, how can I invest my friendship and not feel trepidation that you will just throw it in my face? I do not want to say goodbye to you, but I do not want to feel belittled and hurt again either. I would say tell me what to do, but you can't can you?

I'm confused and lost. I have no honor, that is true, but I do have integrity. Somehow I know God will sort it all out. I just hope it is in time before I lose everything I struggled for these past four years....

Monday, May 15, 2006

The Unknown...

So much is uncertain now. And I just want to know whom I can depend on. The best are so far away, and I cannot get to them presently. And the ones nearby are the variables. Funny, I once dumped someone for not being there for me one time. Why then do I have such a hard time figuring out what to do in other situations? It would not matter except its always those small backhanded comments that hurt the most. I just cannot get over one of yours, and its eating me up. My issue, I know. But, why be so cruel, when I have always tried to be thoughtful? I know I have failed, but I tried. I have been there for you, and for the first time I wonder if you will be there for me? If not, what makes us friends, and am I that blind? You can only use people so long...

This probably makes no sense, and I think therein lay my problem. I am just not able to make any sense of my emotions or thoughts anymore. They are so mixed by hate, love, anger, grief, euphoria. What will be the catalyst to finally bring it to some defined point? I do not know. I hate not knowing anymore. Uncertainty has to end, its killing me. This summer shall be one long isolation, granted my own fault. But did I need to be reminded of it? Maybe, but who's to say?

I want to be okay. I want to be stong again. I want my edge back. It got me so far, and then just went away, and in its place came human weakness and frailty. Law school must be a new beginning. It must. Except, I cannot figure out what to keep and what to leave behind, and therein lay my biggest dilemna. Will summer help the sorting? It must, it must...

Thursday, May 11, 2006

I'm so angry...!!!

About a dream... hahahha. Yet I do not find it all that funny. Pretty much, it took place as a class field trip at some random venue, for something. Yeah it was a dream, some parts are vague. Now the dream part is that all the people involved spanned almost my entire friendship life. I had people there from elementary school, some from college, a few from present (though no close friends from this point ie work, etc) and then those other special people.

So, back to dream. We were all in busses and trying to get to said venue, from I think a hotel. Well we get there, and there is some sort of pit full of mulch. But also a dance floor, which I was all dressed for. Except one person, Lois' friend I met the other week said I needed to change cause leahter pants were out this year. Ugh. Don't know why I wore leather pants, but I think I had read about them somwhere so who knows. Then we're all dancing and some people just keep avoiding me all night.

When we get ready to go, I look, see them and they go the other way. I run into my friend Liz from elementary school, and she is hanging upside down in a tree. Which reminded me of a photo of all of us from long ago, just hanging out and having fun. THis was the sappy sad part of the dream. I tell her this, she gets all weepy too, haha. Then as I look for other said person, they text my cell in my dream.

At this point, Lois called and I was totally pissed off, hahaha. Not exactly sure why, but I know it cannot be a good sign when you start getting mad at people you haven't even spoken to in the day! Food for thought, hahahha...

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Idealization or Reality???

It is sometimes so damn hard to tell the two apart anymore. I think our wishful thinking creates an ideal, that becomes so ingrained, that it appears to be actual reality. Yet, it is just what I said, an ideal. What becomes of the ideal when faced with reality? That is a tough question, because the human mind is so capaple of self denial, and adds shields around our hearts and mind, so as not to fall apart when confronted with what is, versus what we want.

Take for instance Oona. I have always thought of her as perfect in every way imaginable. But as so aptly pointed out to me, what happens when I see her perfetion held up to a light and dissected by a periodical so impersonal as Playboy. Will I still think of her as perfect, and to be so crass, could I get off looking at what I have supposedly said is the only body I would fuck even post coming out and such? If not, that is a form of reality versus idealization. I have tried to imagine out there, at least one woman, whom gives me a last vestigial tie to the "straight world". I do believe it is time some ideals are destroyed, and false hopes put to rest. After all, you have pointed them out to me, and that is the one thing, once they are shown, you either decide to deny the truth completely or face it and move on.

I find this to be true in so many aspects of my life. I am coming to see myself at a pivotal point, where I no longer can lay blame on any but myself. But I am at a loss as to what to do. Letting go is not an option due to my own human frailty and fidelity. Change most likely will never come. But I cannot go on bitching about the same things anymore. I cannot change people to match an ideal that I fell for, neither can I hold it against them for not living up to it. That is unfair.

I must find an answer though. Pain of any kind can only go on so long. Presently, I grow weary of feeling the same all the time. And I grow angered at letting myself be used, with my own knowledge. Ignorance can at least be forgiven, but awareness of things is unforgivable.

Am I holding onto an ideal? Or is it that I made true a self fulfilled prophecy? I do not know. Knowing all I do about one's feelings toward myself makes this all so difficult. Love, or what I think of as love, makes this difficult. If an ideal, it must be shattered so I can move on. If reality, then I am screwed because I will keep going. The signs are there, I just wish I knew how the Hell to read them. Everyone believes its obvious my choice. They do not know me, haha.

We hung out, but we did not speak while you were home. We saw each other, but looked past the other. Is that normal, I do not know. So many variables. Deals broken, pasts to reconcile, and futures to figure out. I am lost and tired. I just want to stop hurting...