Thursday, August 31, 2006

Well, you just read all of these posts. I cannot do anything more, nor can I say anything more. You must make the decision. Yeah I care for you and I love you, but I cannot do anything else. I want to give you all I can, but you have to somehow meet me in some way. I am no longer of the mind that I am worth less than you, we are equal. You must care for those who care about you when you call them friend. Otherwise it must end, because then the balance is gone. The game has new rules, ifyou want to know just ask....

Monday, August 28, 2006

"Nothing is ever as it seems..."

Everything is a farce. Life throws curves at you faster than you can bat away the troubles. But we deal. I no longer will say I am tired of dealing, because if you wish to succeed that is what you must do. You deal. The game, oh lord, you took the game to a whole new level this weekend. And you do not even see it. So, I will tell you, or tell myself, either way it does not matter. I would take being called the worst names, have the cruelest insults thrown at me, all but say goodbye, if I could take back hearing that you do not think I am capabale of loving someone, most of all you. The reason is because I can do everything under the sun till the end of time, and try to show you, and live it like I mean it every second, but unless you can see it, and unless you want to realize it, you will never believe it is true. But I am never one to give up and I will not now. Whatever happens, and whatever comes, I will try to love. It is not an easy thing to love one like you, and Lord knows, its a Hell of a lot harder to love someone like me.

As for school, I guess I was a bit to prematurely happy about events and new friends. It is not that I do not have friends, but that I am stupidly the one to grow attached too easily. I believe I have worn my welcome thin already, so like a true adult, I will be a good friend, but hold back. Be more reserved, because honestly, I need friends right now who are nearby. The addendum is this, if it takes more time to worry about if I have friends or not, than time to be with them and enjoy it, then I do not care and will not waste my time. That goes for pretty much everything in my life now.

I have a goal. I know what it is, and I have no clue how to make it happen. Sometimes that is for the best. It keeps one on their toes. You got me in checkmate. For the first time in years, I guess the game begins all over. What shall we have it? Best of three...hahaha, only time will tell.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

"The game..."

So apparently there is this game that goes on. Everyone plays it and sometimes the rules are easily and readily defined, while some have no clue from minute to minute what the rules will be for the day. That is what I feel goes on in my life. Everytime I turn around, the game changes or evolves, but I did not even though there was something wrong with the previous directions. If I did not truly adore one the person, two the challenge, and three the game itself I would have given up ages ago. However, that does not mean it is always right or fair for these changes to be made all the time. I become truly frustrated at these moments, wishing so hard that there could be some sustaining attribute, but I realize, in effect the lack of stagnation is what makes the game fun and so lasting.

When will the game end. I have an idea, and I will have to wait to see if I am right. For now, let us just say it will come to either the best or worst of terms. Great sadness or great elation will come at this time, and I can honestly say I do not know which feeling will come with which ending. The rules are about to change again I fear, but this time, on my terms!

Law school is almost two weeks in, and I have learned something. It is possible to have friends who are cool, compassionate, and receptive to myself just how I am. Seems like a dumb thing to notice, but even in college I met my friends under far different circumstances that how we ended our educational career. Also on my learning curve is the fact that I am going to do very well, though it will take a hell of a lot of work. I never imagined I would enjoy school as much as I do. The ability to use my mind and persuasiveness in class, and in general makes me feel alive. I am once again surrounded by new ideas and new people. I must have been drowning in the insipidness of those here in Lancaster. Now once again, I am free. The ride will be long, and tough, but if done right fun too. And I will learn a few new tricks to better play the game of life, and to succeed too in "the Game..."

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

"let it all begin..."

Holy Shit!!!!!!!!! I start law school tomorrow, to be completely clear, orientation for law school tomorrow at Drexel University. It is going to be the most polite bloodbath ever, with everyone smiling, shaking hands, and in their minds sizing up everyone else. Thank god I come off a bit stupid, allows no one to get a real handle on how I will do initially.

Leaving home today was easy, but last night made me want to just vomit I was so nervous. Amazing how some people can handle stress with the least amount of outward emotion and yet people like me have to get it all out in the loudest most undignified way ever. Well, better to do it in the presence of friends, even if they do think you are the biggest faggot and pussy ever now, then in front of people you do not know at all.

I hope that this whole being alone thing toughens me up and that my own prediction for lack of friends does not come true in three years. Although at least there was the hope that a few closest friends will always be near. It is now 9PM and I need to get my ass in gear, read all my work, get sleep, and find my way to the Constitution Center in just under twelve hours. Here is to my first day ever of the rest of my career life...!

Friday, August 11, 2006

"Pandora's Box"

I realize why the story of Pandora's Box was so important to the Greeks finally. It isn't a story a the great fall of man, or why we are so wrought with evil around us. No, the story gives us the reason that mankind always fights, and always keeps going. Hope. A very simple and benign emotion in and of itself, but full of so much promise.

Without hope, man will sink or swim, most likely he will sink. That is okay in the end. With hope, man always strives for those things that are sometimes attainable, but also those which are fully unattainable the rest of his life. Why? The reason lay in man's desire for what is better than what is at the present moment. We each want something more than what we have. Not in the greedy and avaricious sense, but in the sense that there is something more for every person because in us lay the ability of all those before us. Hope, it keeps us going in the dark times, and sustains us through the timultous times. But here is the true irony... What happens when Hope is actually the biggest curse of life?

Hope does push us, and help us in those dark times. But the problem is when hope sustains us through those ideas which either never have been born, or should die out due to realitistic goals. And what is worse, is when others give us hope for something that just cannot be, at least at present. It hurts not because we expect anything, but because before that moment, we wanted nothing and thought nothing, but afterward had hope. To give hope is to give a false sense of securtiy. But the worst part is that I cannot blame anyone but myself.

I let my guard down, and began to hope. I am the insipid one. I trusted my senses and they let me down. Now I start again. It just gets a little harder each time, and knowing that the road is long and arduous makes it not easier. Some think that I am not humble, because it does not suit me. Humility is what allows me to go on... it is what allows me to still be a true Christian, and allows me to love, unconditionally, no matter what is thrown at me... So I am not mad, merely I am trying to not hope... for what should never have been born in my own mind.

Monday, August 07, 2006

"The other nite, dear,
As I lay sleepingI dreamed I held you in my arms.
When I awoke, dear,I was mistaken
And I hung my head and cried.

You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happyWhen skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away"

Wow, I have been watching way too much Queer as Folk lately. But I wanted to watch it all the second I opened the gift box on my birthday this past Friday. I got the entire fifth season and love it!!! Fitting that I keep seeing all these shows I loved end or own the ending seasons seeing as I am ending one part of my life to start another. It is dreadfully difficult but completely necessary. Some things are destined to change, if not for the better at first, then for the better in the long run.

As for others, well I do not intend on anything really shifting at all. After the past few nights and all the dreams I have had, I know that some things just never change at all. The song that is at the top explains it all. Amazing how some music or lyrics just put everything into a succint description that one never may. For the past few weeks I have had the occurence that this song speaks of. I mean of course the obvious would be that I will miss you and already miss you. The less literal meaning must then be that I am searching and desiring something that is not there. But what can that be? I am so far at a loss, though it is right at the tip of my subconscious.

The beach is going well thus far. I am still able to stand my own family and no large arguments have ensued yet. But the week is still young. I realized yesterday that this is our very last family vacation due to Drexel's summer schedule. It sucks, but had to sooner or later. I am sure we will all still congregate at times other than normal holiday events, but it will just come less frequently. Plus, family as a term encompasses so much more than it does as a child. My friends are my family too. My birthday was the perfect example of another type of reunion.

It went spectacularly. I enjoyed every moment and will hold onto the memories of that night whenever I feel isolated from the world in law school. It is bound to happen. Though I can now see that there will always be those whom I love and love me back. My 25th birthday was the greatest show of love and emotion I could have desired. I am content... And nervous as hell about the coming move this weekend...