Tuesday, June 20, 2006

I GIVE UP!!!!!!!

Oh my god, I totally give up. Even when I try to do things the supposedly normal way, I end up getting burned. Tired of trying just to find out that almost all guys suck. How hard is it to tell someone the truth? And you know what, I already have paid enough for this fucking DUI, why do I still have to pay more, not monetarily but amicably? Summer is the only time I get to see certain people, and that was one thing I looked forward to even if they did not, and now I find out well that is why we do not see each other.

You say you feel left out, but when I try to be serious or tell you things I am degraded or bullied. Why would anyone tell someone things if they knew the outcome, no one would. I trust you, and god knows more, but you apparently feel nothing. What happens in two months, what can happen, if there is nothing left? Maybe you should ask what it was that I wanted, though not surprised, I wonder if you ever fully know the impact of what it all....?

I am tired of it all, and yet, I still hope, and still try. And I think now only I know what lay behind the struggle...

Saturday, June 03, 2006

"Crime and Punishment"

Perhaps after War & Peace I shall have to reread this book, even though I hated it. Why you ask? Because I am finding out the hard way what it truly means to lose it all in one swoop, though the outward appearances remain quite the same. For this punishment is not one of the judicial variety or literal kind, but of the spirit and essence of what I am. By taking away or changing everything I had known up to this point, I feel more isolate than I have in ages. And without that one person to whom I looked for both dissension, the honest truth, but also a good laugh, well I feel terribly hurt. Caused purely by my own self, no. But was the entire parting of the ways exacerbated by me, yes. I have a question to pose to you. It is very simple, but one that has stuck in my mind since our last tete a tete. Hmmmm. Hopefully I shall see you soon to ask.

Amazing how simple I am that I can get more upset over not seeing someone, versus losing my license. This just shows my priorities, and how I am able to deal with life. I figure the big things are out of our control, but if our friends and family are there, we can ultimately deal with anything. But what happens when they are all gone too? I guess I will find out come August. I knew it was coming, but I did not think some would leave before then. Only time will tell if I make it on my own. Honestly, between you and I, and I imagine you think the same, I will not. You're right, I'm just not strong or talented enough. Or more aptly, I'm just not good enough...