Officially wound tighter than a screw on a Nascar Racer!!! One day left, voice at 70%. Time to get the party started. Rehersal in two hours, dinner in three and a half. Then out for one last drink with Lois to celebrate our last night of mutual singlehood...

My god, where does the time go? I keep crying when I think of her getting married. It's great, just so emotional. Someone so close, who I have literally known from the very first day I came to the US. That's amazing! She is one of my best and closest friends, and now she starts a whole new life. I just hope that my minor contribution tomorrow to the events are worthy of so unique an occasion. It is humbling to see two people you love come together. Wow, I am sentimental today, haha, and scared off my ass.

Yeah I need to stop writing posts when buzzed, haha. That last one doesn't even make sense to me. If I figure out who I meant it will be a miracle. Eh, my anger gets all confused, haha. Oh and my dreams lately have been sooo off the hilt. There's one about me as Superman, one with me Gambling almost winning but never quite, and another which is sort of tawdry, we'll leave it at that. Well, here is to a great weekend full of love and happiness. I just need to talk to someone to get out this emotion before tomorrow, ugh... Well, have a good one all! Times like these make you miss some things so damn much...

Silence is golden excpect when you hope for something else. I have learned that sometimes you wish for more than mere voids of noise. And when you recieve something, it is so endearing, at least if given the right way. There are simple ways to express your discontent with life, or current events. And then there are ways that can annoy. Like those who usually answer a correspondence fairly promptly yet now just do not even act like it occured. That can be minorly aggravating. Or those who do not talk to one, and then weeks later explain they now have a boyfriend. That is tres not cool!

The biggest irony of all this, is that I care obviously in some esoteric way, but could care less anymore in the day to day. After all, no ones actions can make me content or sad in any way anymore. That is simply pathetic, and I am, or should be better than that. Besides, I have a glorious event to look forward to in just three days. All I have to do now is be ready, full or glee, and sound of voice!!!

I guess what I want to think even if not quite there is that I am finished. All is done. I have taken my stand and to hell with everything else! So let it be written, so let it be done!

There is a God...!!!


So I starting to feel so much better. This is such a relief, as long as it continues, and I can have my full voice back by Saturday. I am supposed to go drinking tomorrow night, which is fine, but I cannot even think of going near a cigarette. Lois' wedding is too important to jinx or whatever just for one smoke. Luckily, I only work today at like seven thirty, and then off the rest of the week.

I cannot wait to see Melissa on Saturday. In fact, I won't get to talk to her until after the actual wedding as I'll be preparing at Bob's place, while Lois is at her Mom's house. They gave me an errand to do this week, get four 12 packs of soda by Thursday, hahah. Oh the weird little things people need the week of a wedding. Slowly getting my violin in shape for Saturday too. It's good to feel needed and useful for once. I know it's just going to be great, but strange too, as Lois is my first close friend to be married. Well, not counting Oona, but I haven't heard from her in a while, as usual, so that's different.

I know this is a weird thing to say, but is it odd that I feel a bit saddened too. It mostly stems from the fact that I will never have this. Not in quite the same way, but at least I can live vicariously through my friends. If only... well maybe society will change by then. This is one thing that I will try to work on as a lawyer, because I feel it is an injustice. Funny, how even a year or two ago I could have cared less, now as I get older I realize how important it is that I be able to marry. Firstly in God's eyes, then in the eyes of the State.

Equality. That is what I want, and I cannot settle for anything less anymore. To stand for less is to admit to being lesser. And that will not be tolerated. One way or another, I will make a stand!

Ugh, so bloody sick...


I mean come on, what in the hell kind of Kharma is this? I have waited two years, and many weeks for this blasted wedding to come, just so I could sing and enjoy Lois' happiness at her wedding. Now just one week to go and I am sicker than the Japanese economy! It would be fine if I still had my voice, and was just nauseaus or perhaps a bit peaked. But nooooo, I lost my voice because my throat is all red and sore.

Well, I have many days off this week, and I will do anything to get better. Rest, relaxation, drugs, even tea. There has got to be some way to make my body better before this supposed blessed event. Maybe it was all that ire I felt last week, coming back to me? Do I need to do something nice to make my mood better, and then feel good? Oh, I just want to enjoy Saturday. I mean, Lois will be beautiful, Melissa is coming from NYC to the wedding, and it's an open bar at the reception.

Damn all this stress. I missed my final orchestra concert tonight because I couldn't move, and now I may look like hell for all time in Lois' wedding photos. I sound like a frog when I open my mouth. Ok, calm down. I will get better, and it will be wonderful! Just need to relax, and sleep, a lot!!!

Bleh. At least her bachelorette party went well. We all had so much fun, and dance like crazy. The strippers were hot, and dinner at the restaurant, Bahama Breeze, was magnificent. My salmon was wonderful with no fishy taste or smell. And my martini was practically gasoline, that is a great! Here's to a week of trying to get better....I hope.

.... SO ANGRY!!!



As I have told a few others, I am just so mad at recent events etc. I mean what the fuck do I need to do to just have my way and bes simple etc? It isn't like I expect much, I'm very easy going. But a few friends to stick up for me, and those who can take me as I am. It isn't much, but it still carries a punch.

I am tired of those who say I look down on others just because I happen to have a real educaction. Or friends who figure I can just change my whole plans becauss it's more convenient to them. Even those who think less of me, simply because my best qualities went out of vogue like ages ago! I mean simple, sweet, and a bit stoic never hurt anyone.

Yet, I am always surprised at those who every once in a while surprise you with their humanity and sensitivity. I appreciated it because I don't feel quite so angry and ready to stab someone, hahaha. If I did say anything of an improper nature sorry. But to just let some steam out to someone who won't judge me, well at least to my face, is so rare. I just know that I can be as verbose as needed, and not be looked unkindly upon. Thank you for that.

Now, I just need to fix my arm and be merry... With someone as stupidly opptomistic as me, I am sure it can't be that bad. Well anyhow, its off to bed with me. I am proud though because as angry as I was, and am, I kept things of ill nature silent. I wouldn't want to know, so who would??? Well to all a merry good night. You are the creme de la creme!

PS, How can I not brag about you ??? You are truly unique and special!!! Always remember that one cherie!!!

The Gospel of Judas (Iscariot)...



First off, sorry the last post sucked, but I was totally falling asleep as I wrote it. Not my best work, but trying to work on a deadline I kept failing to keep, hahah. Anyhow, here is as good a summary as I may give in short time on this gospel. There is so much to write, and I cannot really say what angle I wish to use, so it shall be my own thoughts and stream of consciousness on the subject. So, in honor of Easter Sunday, a treatise on Judas Iscariot...


As is known throughout all the Christian world, Judas Iscariot was one of the original twelve disciples. He was the money holder for those following Jesus' ministry, and also dipped into the coffers when no one noticed. It was Judas who questioned Jesus when the weeping woman washed his feet with myrh and oil, for he said, there are poor everywhere, yet you let her wash your feet with such expensive materials. Finally, Judas Iscariot is known for the second worst sin of all, that of aiding in deicide! He sold out Jesus' whereabouts for 30 pieces of silver to the San Hedrin, during the week of Passover in Jerusalem. Afterward two accounts tell of Judas' fate, one says he hung himself after realizing his error, and the other says God Himself punished Judas in his own field by making his entrails explode from his body cursing that field forever. Judas Iscariot is the ultimate villain in the canonical Gospels for turning in the Messiah to be crucified. This is worse than Pilate who was saving his own skin from being killed next by Caesar, and worse than the Jews because though they had Jesus killed, Judas knew that he was Messiah. He was a follower and confidante in line with only 11 others who were the main disciples and apostles. And with this very intimate knowledge he turned in the savior of Man.

That is the story told through the ages from the gospels to the Middle Ages when Judas is placed in Hell with Satan, Brutus, and Cassius, in Dante's Inferno, till present day The Last Temptation of Christ, and Jesus Christ Superstar. But now there is a new revelation in a text rediscovered in the late 1970's, and studied by true antiqurians no more than five years ago. This codex is called the "Gospel of Judas".

The name itself even varies from past precedence of the canonical gospels. In those, they are titled, the Gospels according to Mark, or Matthew, or Luke, or John. Not the Gospel "of". So in their versions, they are telling the Good News (gospel) of Jesus, where they may or may not have a definite role. The Gospel of Judas, in essence is saying the Good News of Judas Iscariot, where he has a very definite role, in the history of Jesus' ministry. Already, we see that Judas is viewed as someone special, for whatever reason.

Once one reads the story it is evident why there is this title change. Judas is seen not as the "great betrayer", but as the greatest disciple of Jesus. It is his role in turning in the Christ which saves not mankind, but Jesus from this mortal coil. The entire gospel is antithetical to what we know of from the Gospels. Judas is the good guy, Jesus does not die for our sins that we may be redeemed, rather he dies to get the Hell off Earth. He is not the son of God (Yahweh), but an Aeon from the Divine Realm, only sent here to give the "enlightened" knowledge of how to get off this earth and drop their humanity to return the soul to the higher realm like he did. And who is the only one of twelve who is enlightened? Judas.

He is the only one who knows when Jesus questions, "who am I?" correctly. The other disciples throughout the gospel just don't get it, becaues they do not have a spark of the divine within their bodies. Without that spark, it means when they die, they cease to exist. Their spirits are on borrowed time, for they were created by the God Yahweh, the Jewish God, versus by The Eternal Unnamed One. Also, Jesus has a sense of humor in this gospel, he laughs repeatedly at the disciples because they don't get what he says. He even mocks what would become the Holy Eucharist.

The Gospel of Judas simply has so many ideas that are different from ours. It speaks of Jesus coming from Barbelo, and of the Goddess Sophia, and her fall from grace. She being the one that brought forth life not of the Divine Realm, creating Yahweh who is an evil demiurge who in turn created, creation. Also the creation story tells of God making man, Adam, in the likeness of the perfect man, Adamas, who is a type of man but from the divine. In essence, take all our stories and give them a tilt that puts knowledge over faith, and you have a very basic idea of what this gospel says.

But also there is something that the theologians and commentators do not talk about because they are studying this text historically and academically. But religiously, think of this. What if this text was in the cannon and all the other gnostic texts? They came very close to winning the theological battle, then we'd all be trying to find knowledge and would never even think twice of faith. Doesn't that bother anyone else, that we came near to polytheism versus monotheism? I guess I am just odd in this, but around this time, Holy Week, I become very thoughtful of the what ifs. Just one change in fortune, and our whole religion could be changed. Makes you see how fragile even the most strong foundation can be.

Thursday nights service was quite interesting. Usually the sermon is on the Last Supper, the Betrayal of Judas, and the coming Crucifixion. Instead, Pastor Eloise spoke of how the upper room was full of humility, frailty, and love. How God must truly love mankind, because He humbled himself enough to wash the feet of the disciples, in human form, though He is God of all creation. This act was done because even till that night, they did not understand the simple message he professed. Love. Love one another as He loves us. So as she concluded the service, we were to think, not of death or crucifixion, nor of deicide and betrayal. But to simply go out and Love, for as we love another, we express our love for the Trinity, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. In that vein, I love all, my family, my friends, and well... you!

Happy Easter, may it be filled with love, joy, redemption, and new beginnings, whatever they may be...!!!

Various Gospels, and Why They Are Not Canonical...


The four canonical gospels are Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. The first three all borrow from the same tradition supposedly, the mythical, gospel named Q. While the Gospel of Saint John takes its material from both Q and a source as yet unidentified. Needless to say, it is enough to know that the four canonical gospels in whatever form or from whatever source all followed on a tradition considered orthodox by the proto-orthodox Christians. These were the theologians such as Iraneus, St. Augustine, Emperor Constantine, etc, and they are the ones who would slowly help create the religion of Christianity as we know it.

Now aside of the canonical gospels, there are those which were deemed heretical, nonsensical, or just not good enough. Also, those that sort of fit, but were lost as Christianity evolved through lack of use. We knew that there were other gospels out there, but mostly through texts written by the early Christian writers, who extolled the religion and put down those who were "heretical" to "orthodoxy". Until fairly recently, so the past 100 years, the most that was seen of these other gospel traditions were tidbits quoted in other texts or found on ancient papyrus'. This all changed when a farmer found the Nag Hamadi texts in the Middle East, which held many many writings, including those only hinted at previously. The Gospel of Thomas was either found in these texts or aroudn the same time. This gospel is so early in the Christian tradition that it is called a "sayings gospel" because all that is in it are the sayings of Jesus Christ. I read this in class, and it was interesting, but also very odd because its like reading one of the Gospels without any backstory.

Amongst some of the titles of new found gospels are the Gospel of Philip, the Gospel of Bartholomew, even teh Gospel of Mary (Magdelaine). Each has its own twist on the life and acts of Jesus, and what role each person had in his life. None were obviously written by the direct apostle from which they werenamed, nor were any of the canonical Gospels. Rather they were written by their disciples or those who followed the apostle's life. Some simply were given the names we know today through time to give the text more validity. These texts ultimately had to be winnowed out, and some were taken away for obvious reasons, others not so much. I do not know what was wrong with the gospels of most of the apostles, except they were somehow lacking, and as for that of Mary, well anythign that put a woman in the lead as a disciple could not be allowed. And then there are those like Judas, which run against all that Christianity stood for. These were the gnostic texts that said either salvation was not needed for redemption, the ressurection never happened, or believed in the aeons, creation myth of the demiurge, and that Jesus was a God, but not the Son of God, and rather just shed his mortal coil.

So the main point being here is to know, that the gospels that made it pushed the church into what proto Christians wanted for a belief system, and those which were against that ideal, were discarded and forbidden. In esence, the main idea that I got from all this while trying to think of it is that, though we may be devout Christians, we sort of are forced to believe what they wanted. Because all texts that are contrary to their ideals have been hidden and gone for the past 1700 years or so. And to imagine that Christianity evolved simply with four gospels and the rest of the New Testament is a fallacious idea. There were fights, and blood shed to make the Bible we have, but one must wonder, is the side that won correct? We have to believe so, to be Christian, but scary thought if such gospels as were taken away had won out. We'd be polytheists who only have a fifty fifty chance of being redeemed in the next life. But that is for the final part of this, dealing with why the Gospel of Judas is interesting and what it has to say about Jesus.

Sorry if this entry was less than stellar, but its harder to type then to think out loud... Tomorrow's shall be better, I hope...

Gnosticism verus Proto Christianity...



This should be a relatively short and simple post, but one that is necessary as a foundation for the following ones because it will explain the us versus them mentality protochristians/christians used in defining themselves, and in turn why some books and ideas were banned for all time from the early Christian cannon leading into modern times.

The first thing you must understand is that in the first century, even into the second century of Christianity's rise there was no real term, "Christian". Hence we call those who followed Christ as Messiah, protoChristians, becuase most still believed themselves to be at most, a very progressive form of Judaism. This Judaic tie was severed within the second century or no later than Constantine's conversion. Then we call the followers, proto-orthodox Christians, because their form of the religion became the dominant one followed till today. Those who were "Christian" in one form or another, but were not believers in our orthodox version became known as Gnostics. Gnostic comes from gnosis which is knowledge in Greek I believe. And here is one of the great divides between the Gnostics and the Proto Christians, but to be called simply Christians henceforward, even if a misnomer.

Gnostics sought through wisdom, and knowledge the key to returning to the higher plane of creation. Christians on the other hand for at least 1500 years sought "salvation", to be had through belief in Christ as Messiah, and that his death would cleanse us and thereby return us to Heaven. The key that ties them together is a belief in Jesus Christ, as a man, and perhaps demigod if not too blasphemous to call him that, by Christian standard. For, there are still those who are "Christian" that do not believe in the full trinity, which means they view Jesus as more than prophet, but less than the Triune Godhead.

This search for wisdom is heretical because one it denies Christ as God, and two it says that his death and resurrection did not save us from our mortal sin, merely it showed us how to also be reborn through ressurrection to return to the higher plane of existence. To believe this was to believe that Yahweh, the God of the Old Testament for Jews and Christians, is actually a demi God who broke off of the True God, Sophia. She is the actual creator of "Creation". Yahweh is merely the creator of Earth, Heaven, and Hell. He is but a petulant child that decided to be a little creationist out of jealousy, much like the story of Satan's fall because he wished to create and take God's throne. But I digress.

So to be Gnostic is to deny Yahweh/God his omnipotence and singularity. Christianity was not about to have a polytheistic outlook, seeing as it came from Judaism which had purged its own polytheistic beliefs roughly five thousand years prior. The seeking of knowledge is actually considered a sin in modern Christianity, if you did not know this already. Why? Well, one because Satan is considered the ultimate seeker of knowledge and power. But, think of what I just wrote, it was made sinful to seek "knowledge" because the protoChristians wished to deny any ties to the Gnostics and to make their entire faith system heretical and seeminly tied to Satan is a great propoganda scheme. This role of propoganda and parallel sin/defamation of character will come up again as we delve more into the Gospels and heretical/apocryphal gospels.

This is a good beginning. Gnostics seek knowledge. Christians sought faith and absolution. Each evolved out of Judaism and then split into new faiths. One last thing, if you believe it was easy for orthodox Christianity to win out, you are mistaken. They nearly lost, and what really helped tip the scales was one minor event in Oct 312 AD, when the Battle at the Milvian Bridge took place. Constantine became his quest and success as becoming the sole Emperor of the Roman Empire. His acquiescence to the Christian faith after it having been outlawed for so long, groomed Christianity to rise, and his interference with any who were seen as heretical to proto orthodoxy sealed the fate of both Gnostics and Christianity. One won out, and the other faded into obscurity, with only a few texts lasting more than another century or two. It wasn't until the discovery of the Dead Sea Scrolls, and the Nag Hamadi texts that we found what had only been hinted at by scholars of the second and third century AD.

Here is the conclusion of a minor and very brief summary of Christianity, and Gnosticism as they paralled to each other. Any questions please feel free to email me or make a comment here, and I'll try to clarify or look up the answer. Next post shall be the importance of the texts, such as the Gospels, the faith of the Gnostics to the Christians, and how it leads to the Gospel of Judas Iscariot. The last post will then be on what The gospel supposedly says, and why it matters if at all to modern Christians...

This ones for me. I have not yet written in my own journal, most likely due to malaise or bitter indifference, but for whatever reason, I have not written down what I feel. Perhaps, when I actualize it in that journal, then all will be set in stone what I think. And for now, I do not wish for my emotions to be set in the record as thus. This can be erased, that cannot.

Odd how I feel so much for an inatimate object. Such esteem is placed in my three journals. It must stem from what is between the pages, and what they stand for, rather than simply because they are recorders of my past. As anyone will tell me who's looked at it, the stories are boring as hell. Jonah often remarks how all I do is lament, bitch, and complain on each page. But his mocking voices and attitude make me laugh, so I tend to enjoy his little diatribes on my thoughts.

Orchestra is going along well. But my greatest gains were during my practicing this afternoon. I played for over an hours time, and taught myself a little bit about how to make my strings resonate better on sustained notes. After all this time, all I needed was greater pressure from the tips of my fingers on the finger board. Simple mechanics, but I never realized it. Amazing how much I smiled over such a trifling discovery. I put it here, cause if I told anyone about it, they'd simply laugh at me. I am seen as rather ditzy already, I cannot afford to have people think it even more of me.

Dinner this coming evening shall be interesting with Matt. I trust that his spiritual counseling will be for the best. It is most definitely a business dinner than of any other nature. My soul is troubled, and has been for a while. Maybe he can give me renewed perspective, that I cannot find when I meditate on such things as my future career and past mistakes/complications. Funny how the almost minister needs the ministering now. Only fitting. I know God will provide, and maybe He can speak through even a vessel such as Matt, haha.

I do not feel sorry for myself or regret anything. I have my rebuttal, and that is enough. After much self commiseration, and actualization I think I have an idea of what needs to be said. It is an irony how some tales come full circle. Though heading into a time of new beginnings it is only fitting. I am happy with my life, though it is imperfect, and I am imperfect. It is my faith that drives me, and comforts me. Would that we were all perfect, what would be the point of Christ? There would be none.

Fitting how Lent is my least and favorite season. It all comes to a glorious end in two weeks time. Our redemption and salvation come. But, first our trial by fire must come. Our own descent into Hell, metaphorically. Can we ever know Heaven, without first seeing the depths of depravity that man and Satan have created? I think not. I am renewed and cleanses because God wishes it, and because I ask for it everyday. My human failings will never overcome my Love of God. That is my best and most lasting quality. I love. To the point of absurditiy and blindly, but I love. This must be enough...

So much to say, so much to think about, so many parallels. Why must this all start again? I want to write it all down, and talk to you, but would you listen? Perhaps, in fact most likely, but to share it all would just hurt too much... You may laugh, or scorn, but I think you would be kind and commiserate about what I am going through. Matt is a great guy, but if I go through with it, I shall simply repeat all I did with you, only without any of the benefit. I would prepare him for a life he never dreamed possible, but I will only be the one who loses out. He will scorn me and hate me for ever opening up his horizons, and I wonder, why must I be the one to help out those I love to find abetter person in the end? Fair, no, and hell I gave up on my martyr complex ages ago, so I say, what the fuck???? hahaha. It is a terrible thing to see, but I know I must face this fork in the road and decide which path to choose. Do you have a way you'd want me to choose, hmmm I often wonder, but I must make it myself. And should I choose wrong, I lose everyrthing, for the best??? I do not know.
Work is fucked up, people are coming and going left and right. Damn I wish I had seen you before you go, so much to talk about. I know you not only don't need me, but would rather see me far away, but I also , know you do, and don't mind all that much. So much to tell you, well soon. Hope you read this and take heart.... Goodbye my love, avoir les enfant!