Monday, July 31, 2006

"Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes..."

One year, in a few days I will be considered one year older. On August fourth I turn 25 years old. That is not something I am just rushing toward with a happy heart. But I suppose everyone is right that I am not that old, nor is it the end of the world. Though I find it difficult to be 25 and have to face going to law school a week and a half later. There is so much to think about, and so much that needs to be finished before I leave.

The loose ends that need to be taken care of, are all in my own mind, I think. Yet, the full effect becomes reliant on others around me. Friday needs to be perfect when I celebrate my birthday with friends, and the like. So little needs to be said anymore. After all, did I not open up my heart more than is proper the other week. I needed to do that, though. If I am able to place all I have intellectually into law school, then I need to get out all I have in me emotionally. When I leave, it is for good as I have said. Finality does not sit well with me.

I do not know if I will get over being told I deserve to be alone. You ask why it matters what your opinion of my life or anyone's matter to me, or why so much. It is simple. Think of all I have said in the past weeks. When you care about someone, family, friends, lovers, you take what they say to heart. And when that person is the one you care for most, and you wish for so much, well you worry that your differences are what shall spell the end to all amicability.

Fear must not rule my life. There is now too much in the balance to gain or lose. I have this week to be sad, morose, commiserate, and be all around pathetic before I go away on vacation and come back to move. Afterward, I will do whatever it takes to reign in my emotion, reign in my fears, and cover my weaknesses. Three years will pass quicker than I would like. I just hope that when it is all said and done I come out stronger, more independent, and wiser.

You said one should only get joy of caring for others and not be alone by placing all one's love in one person. Did you ever wonder how that person would feel if they did it, and never had the feeling returned? Unfulfilled... So if that is what I have to look forward to, I have decided this. What is love when not unconditional? Nothing. I refuse to do anything halfway, and that most importantly implies Love. So let it be written, so let it done... I give my all.

Friday, July 14, 2006

I do not have a clue what is going on...

Well, here I am a few weeks shy of starting law school, with no room, no sense of belonging, and utterly in despair over my faux love life. Everything just seems to be snowballing out of my control. You think I'm an idiot and tempermental bitch I imagine. You are most likely correct. But do believe me, that if I could change my overly emotional state I would, but it, like all my best and worst qualities will be around for a long time. Only a dramatic necessity would make me calmer or at least not so childish. Grow up, yes I know. Not sure why I have not, but apparently it just has not been in me to do so. Until now...

I realize that I am pushing everyone away with my pathetic state of affairs, and dramatic self effacing self pity. Highly unattractive to all but the most sadist of us. Hence, must work on that. Plus realize, in all things that matter, I actually am doing rather well. Maybe not going to Harvard law, but I am still going to law school. Apartment search is starting to look up. And though not the summer I would have desired in the amorous sense, still has had its perks. I guess sex is not the most important thing at all. I have begun to realize that today too. If it were, then I'd still date dog collar, non consensual sex withstanding.

Just needed to write some of this out. Already beginning to feel better. Though right, must stop drinking so much. Obvious sign that I am bothered by things I am unavailable to change. So, must mature, and deal. Will take time, but Oona said that law school changes everyone. That could be the best reason of all for me to get there immediately. To all changes for the better...!

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Thinking out things, and so confused over all this fighting with someone I barely even think or or care for.... Tired of all this shit, and tired of worrying about school, and life, and money. So to that end, for just being you today...

Thank You

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

My only goal is just to be...

Amazing how hard of a goal that can be in these days. I want to just try to be myself, and be true to what I believe. Yet, when I do that, I end up lonely or alone. Then if I try to hard to please others I am morose and become indignant. It is a tough rope to walk choosing between the two. Equilibrium has never been my strongest suit.

So I have tried something new, and as such cannot tell exactly how it is all going. But there always seems to be that roadblock in the way. It is not an intentional thing on either persons part, I believe it just exists. When you ultimately know what you want, it is difficult to alter those ideals, and perhaps, that just shows, how little you actually want the change. After all, a few weeks cannot and is not supposed to be as good as four years.

Speaking of which I hope you do not let me down tomorrow. Doubtful you will read this anytime soon, so by the time you do, you will already have known the outcome of tomorrow. But as I do not have the gift of psychic abilities, I must merely hope. Tomorrow is an important tradition for me, and I do look forward to it. For you to let me down, would be such a blow, I am unsure of what I would think. You never let me down on the things that matter, so I do not imagine you would on this. But a lot has changed between us in the past few months, nothing is for sure anymore. I will go out on a limb though, and say I know you will come through...I know.