Saturday, June 30, 2007

I wish I knew what to do to fix all of these problems and issues. I wish I was not so literal when it came to my friends and family. And I wish that I knew how to realize that I am not the center of the world, but that does not make me any less than anyone else.

So much is going on right now. I am fighting against myself on all fronts and I do not know how to change that. Therapy seems best except when I just do not think that they therapist gives a damn. That tends to cause great consternation on my part. But is this real or made up angst. I really cannot say for sure. After all, I tend to be too dramatic according to most. This is definitely true. Must be a childhood trait I never outgrew.

There are good things going on in life. Law school is tending to go along smoothly. My grades, though so so, are not beyond repair. My friends are generally great people who mean well. Unfortunately I am attracted to friends with the same character flaws as myself, which are self-centered nihilistic types. But they are all also optimists and loyal. That matters. My family is well same as always, but sometimes that's a good thing too. As for the "other" category. Well, I need to listen more. I never do hear what he is saying. The difficulty lay in wondering if he is actually right and then figuring out what that means for me. I do not know.

All I do is search. When will this search end? And why am I so hell bent on death when I have so much to live for. Mere immaturity and selfishness do not explain all of it. But I do not know how to figure out the answers. For all my relative ease of living, I am unhappy. How very ungrateful of me to feel like this. Sometimes I just feel like nothing has changed, and nothing will change. What do I do then...?