Sunday, November 19, 2006

"Man Up?"

Well, I guess I know what I need to do. Except one minor problem, I really don't! I honestly have no fucking clue what I am supposed to do. It is all on me, or at least that is what I feel right now. Regretfully, this is how it's got to be. The biggies, always have to be done alone.

I wrote in my journal today. First time in like weeks. It was very cathartic, and as always helps me to think of what needs to be done. So many thoughts, and so much backtracking. It is not an enviable position I find myself in, but we deal. Now I man up and do what needs done.
There is a hell of a lot to think about and do, so thank god for break this week. I can eat like a pig, sleep like a cat, and shop like a WASP's trophy wife. It is going to be fucking hot!, Plus there is church twice in one week. I think that is actully something I've been lacking, my holy days. They reenergize my week, and it has been too long since I was last at a service.

I feel better. I feel better because I may be lost, and confused, but I have a plan. Albeit a not perfect plan, but still it is one to be put in action. Now, later, who knows, but I'm preparing. Melodrama never did suit me. But pragmatism doesn't do that either. So to lofty ideals, my I have the balls to do what must be done!!!

Sunday, November 05, 2006

"Decisions, Decisions..."

I do not know whether to make my decisions in the silence of my mind, or to vocalize them to you or someone close. Also, I have never faced this particular challenge to know what is proper decorum. Decorum, ha! I try to write and speak so damn eloquently, when I have no real control over my own life. Sometimes propriety, manners, and class, I just want to throw all away. What have they really done for me? I was trained to be this little proper boy, to grow into a proper gentleman, in a time that does not exist anymore. But neither I nor my family knew that then. They thought I was something special to be trained and polished.
Sorry, I digress. I do that far too much. So many thoughts and ideas, and I never get to the point. Integrity. Is that the word I am looking for? What does all my upbringing and my own feelings say about this situation? Well it says count your losses, and give up already. A man should only take so much. Then why do I feel like I gave up without really trying if I do what my mind says is true?
My heart. My stupid silly insipid heart. It never did know when to let go. And that is the main idea I guess. I cannot seem to let go. Years and years I grieve for those gone, who are but familial loves. And still I pine for my lost best friend, even though she broke off our friendship. Now I find myself in similar situations.
Everything I wanted to believe I made myself believe is untrue. Looking you in the eye, all I will see is failure and mockery. Even if you never have it in your mind, I will skew it that way. Ma cherie, I am so utterly tired. Tired of pining, tired of waiting, yet I do. To prove my love? Perhaps. Or is it simple Pride that will not give in...
I guess if the decision were easy, then it would prove that there is no love lost. No, some are meant to serve and some to take. Why for everyone else do I only take, and yet with you I give? Why do I always ask questions in these hahaha? I ask too many questions and when I get my answer I am so upset.
I wanted a boyfriend, or at least someone who likes/loves me, even if currently we could not be together. Three years is a long time to wait, just to hear a No., on the off chance that I hear a Yes! Well first things first. I must think about any hiatus' I need to think. Finals will help because I will have a self imposed exile. But from you? Not sure if I can. Nor sure if I want to...Decisions, Decisions.