Sunday, February 26, 2006

Transfiguration Sunday

What can I say about that? It is fitting that I apply and finish my applications on this day of days. In just three short days, Lent begins with Ash Wednesday, and the solemn season leading up to Easter Sunday commences. But, before all that is today. This is the last "positive" day of the church till Lent is over. We heard all about Jesus' transfiguration from Man to Son of God today. What can that have been like, to realize, though it is supposed he knew already, to realize you are now the future of the world? To become deity is to take on everything. This is what is so powerful about Christianity versus any other religion. We celebrate and worship God, who also was Man. One who understands every little human failing and success, not because He is God, but because He was once one of us, if for just thirty three years. Christianity is a religion of empathy in that sense. God, does not simply sympathize with our plight as in the Old Testament, but can empathize, as he felt pain, sorrow, joy, and love. Ours is a God of surpreme power, and humility.
Now I take this day to hopefully emulate but a tiny part of that lesson. I must write down in detail the allegations against me, and even further back in my past, why I had a year long "break". Not easy to do, since I have tried how many years now to completely forget that time. Perhaps, the catharsis of writing about it, will finally put it all behind me for good. Today, I become transfigured, into a man of action. Then it is out of my hands, and ironically, my waiting period for acceptances/rejections could be as long as, if not longer, than the entire Lenten season. The Jews waited forty years, Jesus had forty days in the desert, I suppose forty days or longer will not do me any harm either! Now I just need to think of what to give up for Lent. So many choices.
Life always comes around full circle. It is a question of did we learn what we needed to the first time. I trust that I have gained some knowledge and wisdom. I could be wrong. But, I doubt that. Here is a time for reflection and earnest seeking of the truth. It certainly is not amazing that Lent and Holy Week are my favorite times in the church year. This time of the year proves that the best truly does come at a price, and takes time and effort before the light comes. Just over forty days. By Easter, I hope that everything makes sense. I am sure that it will...

Saturday, February 25, 2006

I do believe the Shit is about to hit the fan. So much going on, so much is just balanced precariously in my life. When that balance goes, I feel it will take with it a lot of security I love. But, I am not saying that all will be bad. Just a hell of a lot different than I expect. Oh well...For the next three days I must write like never before, get everything done I need to do for school, and block out all impositions to my psyche. Oh yeah, read an article that sort of scared the Hell out of me. Pretty much says memory loss, changes in memory, and other odd mental affects can be causedby early brain tumors that become more imposing as they grow. But by that time the person's life has been ruined because it went undiagnosed and they are so different or forget everything, so their life is gone. Literally.
What is life but memory? Without that one thing, we have no way of knowing why we do what we do, how to do it, or even why it matters. Our pasts give us a lot of our present. They are so intertwined, that I believe we take it for granted. What happens when you forget? Well, I have to head to work now, but just felt like writing a blurb. Not sure why exactly. Just felt a burst of emotive writing would help...

Monday, February 20, 2006

Utility. It is amazing what usefulness does to improve our feeling of wrestlessness, and malaise. Lately, though getting applications done, and things improving at work, I still felt useless. Maybe that is the wrong word, but I guess not active in anything that I find important or palpable to the present made me apathetic. That is an apt description. We need both future and present goals to keep ourselves and our minds alive. But, as of recent, I just did not feel that I had present goals. It is why I have been reading so voraciously, to give me some minor goal of say, getting a book finished in a week, etc.
Well, for the first time today, I did not simply play in orchestra and get lost, only to slowly catch on after everyone. I was leading, versus following others. My sight reading was finally near par to high school, when I practiced everyday. That felt so damn good! Also, I am beginning to enjoy the music we are learning. Initially I thought our piece was all over the place, and discordant. Yet, now I am feeling the music and its inherent beauty, though still quite discordant sound. I suppose its the difference of looking at art, and understanding what you are seeing or hearing. I finally heard the music for what it is, and that made it come alive.
My fingers caught up to my bowing and up to my reading of the music. There was inspiration. When I got home I spent over an hour simply listening to the music, following my score, and then notating the time so I can practice with the music more easily later on. Dorky, of course. But refreshing. I was having fun, and it has a purpose. It gave me a purpose to work up to making my part good, and seeing as I outplay others around me, making us sound great! It's a little thing, but meant so much to me. I guess its because I really do love playing violin more than anything, but downplay it because well, I will never be a virtuoso. And, those listening to me, know that all too well, hahaha. Just one of those dreams that were a bit to unrealistic to come true.
When I play in orchestra, I get a bit of that dream back. Thinking I could play anything, and someday end up at Carnegie Hall playing to packed audiences. I guess that's it. I get to dream a little. Law school is different, I will be content to do it. But, you don't dream when it comes to your pragmatic future. And other dreams such as just future plans are too remote. This is a dream I've had all my life, and let go in college. Now, though not going ot happen, I can have it again. Those are the best kind. You just sit back and think of all that could be, no regret or sadness, just optimistic bliss!
Utility...It's good to dream, and have back a little bit of that virtuosity that took 16 years in the making...

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Seeing as I have done very little today, and cannot figure out why that is, I will write here to give myself some sense of accomplishment. Poor dear blog, I have avoided you quite recently, oh why is that? A few ideas, but none which shall be shown the harsh light of day...yet! To write some ideas down is to give them full life. And well, there are just some thoughts I would rather see die off into oblivion.
What I wanted to write about is the recent occurence of instant recall at the most innappropriate moments. I understand everyone thinks of random past events at times, because of a sight or smell, etc, but usually there is a correlation between the instance of it occurring and the present situation. This is not the case for me. For example, I was out last night at Friendly's and thought about the most random past event that had no tie to ice cream or the like, and started laughing my head off. Everyone at the table thought I went mad. Or while Fibbing at work, I thought of the "Shaker Dance" (what I call the dance done as you make drinks), and went into hysterics. But also, I will be driving or at home, whatever and think of bad events in just as much detail. Yet, there is no actual relation to the event going on.
If I had just a normal memory maybe this would not bother me as much as it does. But hoenstly its freaky when you all of a sudden relive moments better left in the past or at least for more appropriate reminiscent times. It's like control over my memory cortex is slightly off for now. I find that well annoying. Also, it interferes because even as I talk to people it happens and I tend to space for a sec.
As for dreams, they are having the same issue. My dreams usually are just that, dreams. But now they are sprinkled with the past to a degree that I wake up feeling like I just relived my past. The Mayans and many other cultures, including those of the Aborigines of Australia believed in the dream time or some other version of it. They describe it as the idea that our memories from the past can be accessed, and in some cultures, that even those of other people can be accessed because they are all interconnected in the DreamTime. Could it be that due to my pure blood line of mayan lineage that somehow I can still access this. Even by Christian doctrine, I see no conflict, after all, the most important prophets often used dreams and memories to rise to prominence or spreak God's message.
Joseph, one of my greatest idols (funny using that in religious context), was the best of all the dream tellers. He knew his whole future from dreams, yet was not to understand them all till the events came. Maybe God wants me to use mine, but for now is just preparing me by forcing recurrant past events. Or maybe I am just going crazy, hahahah. Probably the latter due to too much time and stress with no one to talk to about it anymore.
Amazing, how you, meaning I, get my way and I am happy with it, but have not figured out a way to adjust. It is like if I let go, I will be so at a loss I will not be able to function (dramatic eh?), but if I do not, how healthy is that? Everyone else seems to be able to do it so well. And the one person I want to talk to about this will just laugh at me... But I suppose I have to finally open up and be humble enough to say, listen here's how I feel, get it off my chest, and move on. The dumbest part is the only reason I fear talkign about these feelings is pride. For all I have told my friends and family the most simple emotions make me feel the most vulnerable when shared. I really must work on humility... Well, maybe I will try. After all, if they can, why not me???

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

1. Party 1 and Party 2, will heretofore be known as "1" & "2" respectively.

2. 1 and 2 agree to the termination of all prior contracts sparing those of monetary interests.

3. In regards to the said contract in paragraph 2, all rewards and benefits heretofore are to continue, sparing any and all stipulations known to 1 and 2, and stated within this document.

4. All questions posed to that of 1 or 2 must be answered in full, with honesty.

5. 1 and 2 consent to the common friendship standards known to both parties in previous.a. Standard American "friendship" applies.b. Benefits will continue per order of this document.

6. Benefits cease on pursuance of other involvements.a. Should said involvements end, paragraph 5, part b, is reinstated provided that the monetary interests mentioned in paragraph 2 are yet unreturned.

7. 1 and 2 are not required to answer any questions beyond their scope or maxim.

8. 1 or 2 may not end any form of communiqué, bearing necessity of situation, without mutual consent.

9. Said contract may not be terminated or amended without consultation and full agreement of both 1 and 2.

10a. For violation by 1, 2 is hereby emancipated from all contracts. Furthermore monetary interests loaned by 1 are decreased by twenty-five percent.
10b. For violation by 2, 1 may visit in current semester for one weekend barring any possible complications with pursuant. Should 1 visit during current semester, 10b will be subject to immediate review regardless of contract renewal date. Accomadations for 1 will be made by 2 at no charge, within reason.
10c. Guilt is assumed unless proven innocent.
10d. Should the parties not agree on a committed violation, outside arbitration will be sought.
10e. Arbitration must be agreed upon by both parties.

11. For any and all items of judgment there will be a best of 7 game of "High Card." Rules of the Gentleman's Honor Code apply.

12. Current contract applies 12:01 AM February 15th, 2006.

13a. Negotiations for said contract shall commence every two weeks.
13b. Said contract remains in effect until both parties can agree on renewal.
13c. Further contracts cannot be filibustered, and are subject to arbitration per either party. Unreasonable delay is an explicit violation of said contract.
13d. Outside arbitration must be agreed upon by 1 and 2.

Party 1, PLM
Party 2, SER
Giving up, hmmmm, what a concept. Often in our lives we feel like doing just that, sometimes we follow through, other times not. Deciding what I need to do in so many realms of my own life. Is it minorly offending that I stare at my Columbia diploma everyday of my life, seeing as its hanging above my computer? Probably should have told my mother not to hang it there. And is it worse, that when Denise asked if I'm looking for a new job, oh she was in today, I was just like, eh, maybe.
I think that I can deal with my own situation as long as I know in my heart that those who care, could care less what I do. I mean, like Nick wants me to find a job and move to NYC, or my parents would be thrilled to see me a highly paid lawyer asap, but for the time being, they know I'm doing what I need to do to survive. And I still hold my head up, because I know it is not who I am. But, to be told that I have no future, or that I am nothing, shows how little some think of me, and also, how wrong I must be about how people view me. Let's face it, people's opinions matter, not in the realm of esteem, but in teh real world of jobs, promotions, etc. I realize this, and if I cannot judge the thoughts of my closest friends, how do I stand a chance against the world?
Ironically, for all that is going on, I'm not at a "low" point. I think I am just writing to commiserate over past and current events. It is therapuetic, and an evil necessity. I wonder, how through everything in college and such, I have held onto any semblance of class, and dignity, yet I feel I still have both. Have they been that ingrained, and if so, does that mean anything? I think that I need to surround myself with those who care, but are honest, those who do not care, but will lie, and those who are ambivalent on both counts. The yes men are to make us feel better, the honest ones are to keep us "in check", and the ambivalent to keep us guessing.
Amazing I write in here more than in my journal. I think it is to keep from tainting it. So much gets written, with so much passion, that in my state of indecision and malaise, I would not do it justice. How much do I write in here for myself or for an audience that does not exist. Would anyone write, if they thougth no one may someday, even post mortem, may read their works? And when we do, is it to hellp, hurt, or make the other think? And why do we need to imply things even here, rather than outright saying them? I guess some things must be implied so as to not take ownership of all that is negative in those implications. This probably only makes sense to me, but then again, I'm the one who has to reread this someday, haha.
Well, I suppose one must start again. In that process, perhaps a foundation, a castle, if you may, can be built. Or just maybe it can all be torn down without ever intending to change a thing...

Sunday, February 12, 2006

I am the poster child for nostalgia. Today could not have started off any worse or better than it did. All things come equally in our lives. The snow was beautiful in its white simplicity as I looked out my window. Church was cancelled, but I think God understood. Then I turned on the computer to see that Michelle Kwan had taken herself out of the Olympics. I know she was the most upset, but I think I could fall in a close second. This was for me, somehow, an end of an era. This is because she is the last figure skater that is still around since I first time fell in love with the sport, and because she represents my past happiness in youth.
There was such grace and class in her leaving, and it is extremely admirable. Sometimes you just have to know when to say goodbye. But, as Nick pointed out after giving condolences over her departure (he knew how much it meant, seeing as he mocked me when she lost four years ago), sometimes isn't it better to still fight on? She knew what she was doing one would hope, as long as she does not regret her decision. Skating will never be the same for me. Yet, now I look to Sasha Cohen to take Kwan's place, though could anyone ever really take it? She will make us all proud, and I hope she wins.
Law school due dates are looming. Time to finish them up and send them out. To go through with this is to give my all. It's now or never. Everyone says that if I do not get in, there is always next year. Not for me. I never repeat what has been a failure for me. It would just be too hard. It is one thing to continue on, and see whatever to the end. But once ended, you can never go back, can you? I am sure some law school will take me! Through all my greatest trials, somehow, I end up alright. They will see I am a strong candidate, shaky past and all. All I need do is help them see past the veneer of crazy, the shades of poor reports, an interesting past, to what is truly underneath, and they will realize what lay beyond the surface.
I guess I'm not giving up then. Kwan did, because she knew her time is past, but she has her dignity. And I still have mine. Maybe this site is a misnomer, perhaps twilight is not quite at its zenith yet...

Actually a repost as it were... I wrote it, erased it, then realized why fear what I feel... if anyone reads its, ie one person so be it, I have never erased my journal, and it has far worse things in it, why censor myself here. I know you understand that, as you said, you dont' believe in it either, so let it be written, so let it be done, or at least thought...

Saturday February 11th, 2006

Because I now know you will never actually read this, because you'd be crazy to, if you did. I can get out all my anger and frustration that you wouldn't let me while we were talking. It is what I need, I needed some type of closure, and not to hear how I am a lesser being than your dear perfect boyfriend. Pain, that is what I am feeling. And also, completely and utterly stupid to think that there was ever a chance in Hell, of you loving me. I guess I always could have guessed you viewed me as second rate, yet good enough to use, and now I know its true. The worst part of it all, is that I still love you. I still care about you, and still wonder and hope.Why you may ask? Perhaps, it is because I love a challenge, and perhaps because deep down, somewhere, if you realized it, you'd see, you once loved me too. And still do. We hurt each other so much, and I hurt so much, yet I persevere. All I have ever done is persevere. I am tired of everyone that I love leaving me without answers, and without caring how much it hurts to say goodbye. I just wish that it would either end or go on as always. But to change, and have to watch that change occur everyday, every month, is utterly terrific in its agony. Damn it, to ask why now, is vapid. To ask, why is he better or worse, is stupidity. And to think I could have done anything differently is reprehensible. I did everything I could and it just was not enough. All I have now is my intelligence. If you knew what I decided because of you, well you'd find me even more pathetic. At least I have some secrets and some dignity. I hold onto that and my integrity like a mantle of class. What you always failed to grasp was that love is not seeing perfection in another, but all that is wrong and still caring. You think I ever viewed you or myself as perfect? Did you ever wonder what effect four years has on the other? I should have been a gothic poet of the 19th century, high on opium, writing trilogies of loves lost. It is my destiny to look for those I cannot attain. Even out of my own agony do I want to make life a little more simple and beautiful. The "contract" is the tie that binds, and will unfortunately bind us for a long time. I knew that it would stay, what my jealousy and pain could undo. I'm an historian, I look to those moments of dramatic upheaval. Are my rantings anything but that? Yes, but even I have to look closely to see. If you have made it this far, know I was serious about your religion. I now feel it is a vested interest to help you on a path that is divine. The one thing I know, is religion. No one will ever take that way from me, or convince me otherwise. So, I feel, as I had when I first met you. Do not fall for him, or even try to do anything with him. See Christ in him, and help him to find it too. Life comes full circle. Oh Ma Cherie, what have I gotten myself into, and how do I make it all better? I know that the day I fell from grace in your mind as an intellectual scion, was the day I lost you. But, I see more. I see so much more, and want so much more. Shall our paths completely divide, which as of now could occur, though I wish it not, I still want to impart my knowledge and help in all vestiges of our friendship. Tonight I must decide what ends I must go to for that. As I wrote before, what do I owe one who I feel did so much...? Chante mi amore, je t'amie toujours... chante!

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

So, I have decided to write this evening on a subject that affects everyone in one way or another, and goes along in the same vein as my last post. Continuity of thought is key, or at least I would like it to be on here. Then again, when have I ever kept on track with anything. It's all the little pitfalls and diversions that make life, well life.
Anyhow, I wanted this post to ask a few questions, even if I do not answer them in the end. Perhaps, I want to make you, the reading public, take some time to think about what is really going on in the world, and how we got where we are. So question of the evening-

Where is the line, how do we know when we crossed it, and can we redraw it time and again, and expect it to have any validity in the end?

Pretty much I am speaking firstly of the entire East, West divide of cultures. I mean, I understand that one's religion is sacrosanct. I above all, can sympathize with those who's religion is mocked in a joking manner or sometimes worse. However, I cannot abide those who would kill and burn other's embassy's simply because a nation's newspaper has published inarticulate cartoons of a sacriligious nature. Plus, we in the West, have this ideal since the Enlightenment, that says you can say what you want, because everyone is fair game. Not the best synopsis, but you get the point. We, don't have limits anymore, and the East has so many, I am surprised they haven't choked on their own rules. It would be like living in 2006, with the full Spanish Inquisition going on. Old ideas must evolve if a society wishes to grow, change, and become a better version of itself.
However, as I am sure you are all wondering, what does this have to do with lines. Well, this. Where is the line drawn when one has to take care of what to say or write, or even think about other's beliefs? And also, where do you draw the line, when as I said, a society must evolve? After all, tradition is very important and should one change too quickly, you can throw away all the best qualities of a people in the attempt at improvement. The perfect example from Western history being Vatican II. The Roman Catholic Church, in trying to change its facade, destroyed that which made it so damn powerful. Tradition. By adding the vernacular, service in a nation's common language versus Latin, they took away the one thing that tied all Roman Catholics together. Unity of messgae, thought, look matter. And that is where the Muslims kick our ass. They are one body ultimately, and of one mind. Should the West not take this into consideration and seriously, We are fucked! It's that simple. Look at Israel, a Jewish state in the midst of the Muslim world, yet they have flourished, and kicked everyone's ass, in every war they've fought since 1947. Why, no dissension.
Hmmm, this has taken a tangent, but one I am happy to go on. I guess, I am saying outright, the West has destroyed its own future, unless it can find some common ground again, that makes us a solid entity again. We had Christianity, and they screwed that up. So in a way, I have my own Machiavellian glee over the present plight. We may be the most powerful nations for now, but how long will that go on? History says, not very long at all. Turn your back on God, and He will pour forth his wrath. Am I fucked if this adage is true, yes! But, at least I know why, and can accept that my life, though my own, and guided by free will, is also but a small part of the divine plan. Self righteous much, haha.
Next, where is the line in relation to friends? And its not going where most expect this part to go. Knowing she'll never see it, Lisa is the perfect example. I said no more or less than was expected, and the backlash is still stinging. We are best friends, yet I wonder if that means anything anymore? How did I cross a line, that I never even knew existed? Yet, I do not think that I am the only one who has this problem. That is the key. Who decides lines, what can you actually do to make them distinct and not invariable? Short of writing out something (no laughing) there are no guarantees! I cannot believe society has made it this long. And why am I thinking of all this now?
See, I said there would be a lot of unanswered questions. Lines. They are drawn, erased, renigged, and broken. Sometimes, if you're lucky they are made stronger, but other times, a broken line may just be the anwer. What a fatalist I've become. But also so much more pragmatic and realistic. I guess it's what they call growing up...
And as any proper Brit would say, there's always time for long as you can still run afterward...

Monday, February 06, 2006

Okay, so I've got to write this as fast as possible. Between the Xanax, and Jack, my mind is starting to get all happy and funny. Definitely in a good way, and I'll sleep like a baby, but hard to think cogently currently. Anyhow, I'm still reading up on the whole Iranian issue, and the Danish newspaper debacle. It is all leading to something as I have pointed out. What makes it all the more strange, is when you consider that Iran was our greatest ally up till 15 or 20 years ago, with the rise of Ayatollah Khomeni. Then came the revolution and theocratic rule in that country.
We did not like the change, but still were happy that they were not communists sympathizers at the time. Our complacency then, has led to our big problems now. Israel, is a rogue state no better than that of the Palestine, it just has money, guilt held over the world, and over 200 nuclear weapons to keep its place in proper international society. With the fall of their Prime Minister to health problems, and the upheaval in the rest of the middle east, we are looking toward a bleak international future.
Republicans running all three branches of government for the time being gives an open way and free checkbook to start a third war. However, I feel that we will not have to do that, as Israel is poised for war. It will not be long mind you, but highly deadly. And will lead to the split in nations otherwise amiable currently. Even nations that have no direct isuuse, will ring in. India feels they ae wrong, but should they defy the US, they will see the brunt of our power. Pakistan will side with Iran, and hell even Russia may have to, as they are big exporters to the nation.
Put this way, if muslims go crazy over a stupid cartoon, how can we expect them to do any less when the whole UN Security Council is on their backs, and say negotiate or go to war?
It is a scary time, and one I do not relish.
Yet, a war, a true war, one not started by us, and on false pretences would save the Bush administration, give credence to Tony Blair's, and help fix relations with Germany and Franche. The old alliances may just take up again. I would love tosee that happen, though there would still be war, it would be more of the conventional type because the only fear is using the bombs we have. Otherwise, we would have blown up Afghanistan, Iraq, and even Iran. Also, its one fo the few true nations for precolonial days, which we help set up with a monarchy. The US has reached a zenith, and I am done with it all. Historically, it would be "cool" to see war, and all ifs effects.
Oil, it all comes down to money and oil. Should Tehran fall, all the East will listen. I suppose its not worth thinking about the inevitable, only praving it comes too late.
Well, that's all I have now in this stupor. sometime I'll get into it more . Night!!!

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Just saw "Underworld: Evolution" with Jonah, hahaha. Wow, we really aren't the sons of my father, I mean seeing a mediocre movie over the SuperBowl, poor dad! Oh well, what can be done, we just are not the sports oriented types. But yeah, the movie was so so, and at one point Jonah blurts out," when did this become a soft core porn?!" I almost lost it right there, and we all know what that is like. A foghorn as someone once aptly described the sound.
As always, coincidence and the like keep popping up in my life. Almost immediately after writing my latest post this afternoon on how I need more spiritual guidance and help, I recieved a phone call from church asking if I would lector on Maundy Thursday during Holy Week, and help with communion. Of course I accepted, and actually was honored. Its very important to be reader on that of all nights, as it is the celebration of the Last Supper, and my favorite night during Holy Week. We strip the altar at the end of service in recognition of Christ's death, while draping the crosses all in black. You really ought to go a service that night somewhere. Even if not at my church, haha, somewhere. I find it a moving experience and one that puts Easter Sunday and the Palm Sunday before it into perspective. I have fond memories of that night at my old church, when my grandmother or father would be a reader, or she would sing a solo in the choir loft.
Mother got out all these old pictures tonight as we returned from the movie. They are old, and like whoa, when I look at my lovely baby pictures, ewwww. Went from emaciated baby to tubby toddle, cute kid, and awkward adolescent who finally thinned out for a bit. Although quite cool to see my teeth get straighter, my nose get straighter, and myself growing gayer ever year! Now I'm watching Gray's Anatomy, such a great show as I've told you. It asked in the first few minutes, what you think right before you die, and cuts to scene of three girls from the show showering while one of hte guys looks on, haha.
I always wonder that myself. Although I guess in a way, I more than most knows the answer to that question. Morbid thought, but also a little relieving. I don't have to question some things nearly as much as others. But I love life so I think I'll wait a few more decades to find out the rest. Far too much to think about right now and do, after all I have big plans, and a few things up my sleeve that no one is going to anticipate.
By the way, should you read this one, thanks. It's good to know you still have faith in me, even after all my procrastinations, proveracations, and crazy talk... Keep up the happy irish whiskey drunkeness. I fully and completely support it... Whoo!
Bloody Hell, I missed church today. Did not get a call from my mom to wake up, and so I slept through my other alarm. Ugh. The week never feels quite as light when I do not go. It is for me a place of rejuvenation. Plus, I feel it only right that I go and give thanks when I especially ask so much lately, dealing with applications etc of God. Its like, would you keep asking favors of someone, but never go to their house or say thank you? Of course not, so going to church is like my thank you to God. Yet, I think he understands that my heart is always near and my thoughts are of his ways, even if I stumble.
Now I know you are going to laugh or mock me for it, but I asked Matt from work to sort of be my religious counselor. I asked because I believe that I have some unanswered questions in relation to my discernment, and unfortunately I have no God head person talk to on these matters. I mean I know my minister knows I am gay now, but its very difficult to talk to someone in this vein, because I have kept the two parts of my life so separate. Since, Matt is actually going to be a minister, then why not utitlize his knowledge on the subject, because in these matters, he would have to be discreet because I am going to him, not as friend or coworker, but as one who needs minstered to. After all, as one who gives so much religious advice, I too feel a need to get some in return. Is that bad? I think it is humbling to realize that I may be able to discern God's will sometimes, but I too am just one of many and need guidance and support. Hmmmmm.
Went to Jeremy's house last night, and spur of the moment we decided to go to Baltimore for a bit. How random is that? Good times, met some friends of his, and stayed in York rather than drive back to Lancaster or Ephrata. Hence, my oversleeping. The couch wasn't too bad, especially when wasted. Bars in Baltimore suck compared to ones I've been in throughout other parts of the nation and NYC. Even the gay bar I was in in London was cooler, and that wasn't even that big there. Yeah, his friends suck, one got sick, and all that rot, ewww. I mean, not a small guy and yet he couldn't hold his liquor for toffee. Here I am, all little, and I was totally good after a martini, shots of jaeger, and a long island. wow, just realized i drank that much. Only good thing about the bar, drinks were cheap! Still used to NYC prices, so I always smile inwardly when the bill is not so outrageous. Yeah, what a night.
Jeez, there's something else I want to write, but its like just at the tip of my tongue, or fingers I guess you'd say. Currently watching City of Angels I believe its called, with Meg Ryan, and Nicholas Cage. Never seen it the whole way through. Oh yeah, angels. I very much am interested in them right now, as well as their counterparts. It may stem from my theory that we are on the verge of a very big global crisis due to Iran and its refusal to stick to the nuclear non proliferation acts set by the UN. Something big is coming.
Well, gotta watch the rest of this movie, I'll think a bit more on this, and write later. Angels, do you remember seeing them as a child? Did you see them as a child I guess I should say? I did, and I miss it. I miss their voices too... Calm, quiet, yet surrounded you with an aura of comfort and beauty. Amazing I still remember it. My grandmother was right, children, who are innocent, will see and hear them, but as we age, we no longer do. Only sometimes...or maybe God sends them in different form now...

Friday, February 03, 2006

Today at the Lancaster Historical Society I spent five hours reading at, looking at pictures of, and copying news about the Lancaster Airport! When I went in, they told me I'd be scanning pictures for a while, for documentation. Well, the first one brought on dejavu, but it was the second one which helped me realize what I was seeing, the view of the airstrip at Lancaster Airport. Only this was a picture from many years ago. Then I started scanning pictures even farther back of old pilots, and people celebrating flying. It was certainly an odd thing for me to see, after spending so much time there these past few years.
The next part of my time there was spent reading articles all about the coming of the original Lancaster Airport, the founders of it, and how one guy helped it grow, watched it blossom and flew till he was well into his late 80's. He was in all sorts of articles in the Lancaster papers, as well as more national ones. I wonder if my grandparents may have known him, he seemed pretty well known. By 80 he flew 15,000 hours I think or maybe it was another zero, well it was a whole hell of a lot. Also read articles about death by rookie pilots, air shows, and how Lancaster planned to refurbish our current airport in the 1970's. So, as it stands, I know a whole hell of a lot about the history of the airport in Lancaster.
Oh yeah, also saw a picture from 1929 of Armstrong Inc, F&M, and my house no less! I looked and there it was, surrounded by nothing at all at the time. God I miss that place. Told Jonah about it, and he said, had we not moved he'd still be at home, haha. It was just so much bigger and better than an apartment. Oh well, life is too short to be remiss now.
Let's see what else is up...Not a whole hell of a lot. Jonah's gone for good. Got a new modem and router for the computer. Trying to think more cogently on what has occured over the past month. It's like a fucking roller coaster ride that wont' end. Still figuring out how I got here, and why I care one way or the other. I guess my fear of being alone doesn't help, but it does not explain it in actuality. And as for owing anything, I suppose that is all for naught now. Yet, is it? I know you would say yes, but as a man who prides himself on integrity and virtues to be, I cannot but feel obligated, by no apparent pressure from anyone. Merely, as gratitude, that I feel toward all my friends. If I could do for my Columbia friends et al, for those bad years, I would, I will...
I guess that brings up another thing. Do I renew my promise to pay for all of Stephan's medical school? I've always said, money means nothing and I realize the truth in that more and more. Also what do I do about this 300 dollars? I have fought myself over this since January. Money, the true root of all evil. No, not really. But yes, I can take the high road or the low road on these issues. And you can accept either. Perhaps, I shall leave it up to you... Strange, no? Oh the joys of not making declarative sentences. See, I can finally write this all, and not have someone saying, "just say what you mean already and stop being so vague!", hahah. Sorry for that mate, haha. Yay, I can also apologize without it actually being heard. A sounding board, I was right.
So yeah, I think I could leave it up to you, at least for now. By the time you see this, which is, a quarter to never, I will have changed my mind. Better hurry and act now, haha. Cool, I'm funny when I have no audience either!!!
Not sure what else I'm thinking. Well not true. I do not think I can compete anymore. I gave it my all. Either you see what is there, or you do not. It's up to you. Oh and if I don't get into law school(not sure why I'm putting this after the previous sentence), I think either ministry or running away are in order. NOt like a kid runs away, but simply go away, from everyone. Take time to myself to figure out me. After all, if I don't get into law school, and turn 25 in one year, I'm royally screwed! Yet, not really. I am if nothing else, one who bounces back, like springy! Everytime something has gone wrong or seemed to be the end, my world was changed for the better. God will provide, He always has, and I know He will again. My prayers were answered, tenfold. Maybe that's why I hold on...maybe.
Dreams. What the hell are they all about? Why must they remind us of things that just may never be, damn that subconscious bullshit. Yet, I suppose they provide the mental respite from a world that does not always turn as we would prefer. Last night's dreams certainly were like this. Ultimately about going up to Williams, except it was New Year's, no clue why. No one was there, and then turned into a practice for my concert at McCaskey in May. Totally strange, and I was all ready, except it was an orchestral one, not a vocal one. Saw a few friends in my dream that I have not spoken to in years. That was a sort of cool.

Thinking a lot lately. Probably will do more today, as I have my community service, so how much mental stimulus can that really provide? Then just need to get a new modem as Jonah is moved out as of today, and gym time of course. Very upset over something said to me yesterday at work. And I quote, "Philip, you are a bitter jaded person, who is very unhappy, and it will only get worse as you get older. I don't say this to be mean, but because I care..." Mark can kiss my ass. Oh yeah, and he warned of the suicide rate for lawyers asking hadn't I learned my lesson already? Talk about low blows in trying to keep me from doing something. Just for that, I wouldn't give up my law school hopes for anything. Besides, I need this to help put some perspective in my life.

Also need to think about how i want to word a few things for the coming weeks. At least I know that makes sense to me and you, haha. After all, specificity of language is everything. You are too thorough to let even the smallest loophole slip. But yeah I have an idea or two that need amended/added.

Carl was a real bitch yesterday. He cares, but still, why must people point out the obvious to me. It seems like they say I'm rather intelligent and thoughtful, but feel a need to beat a dead horse. I will do as I please, and keep my friendships/relationships/whatever as I must, as I like. He doesn't even know what's going on now, just knowing I speak to you grates his cheese. Jealous bitch. He says I owe you nothing. I know that. And that I met you at a bad time, and so feel I am in obligation. Well, any I felt is nulled anyhow. Can you void the heart? Time will tell.
Well, I gotta get ready for work, I'll finish this later for you, my nonaudience, ie me...

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Yeah so I totally will end up writing here so damn much. Eh, what can I say, its convenient. Figured out the term, and though its only in my mind, what the contract really means. While probably only funny to me, it reminds me of many moons ago, when we set up a term, that meant, not FB, or dating, but was more than amiable, hence the term, "extreme friends"! Hahahaha, I don't have a fucking clue why I find this funny now, but it really is. It totally fit then as a term, and in its own way does now too. I'm sick I know.

Oh yeah, talked to Kirsten tonight. Had a lovely little conversation. She got into medical school monday. She was accepted into NYU's medical school. It is truly wonderful. Wow, now I really need to find a New York law school, cause then all but Helen out of the Five will be there! Four in one area again, with me as the fifth. It's been almost two years since we all were in an area together for an extended period. At least I have incentive now, hmmmm.... Well anyhow, just had to write down that term, it was bothering for the past like ten minutes. haha, so now I can look this up and know what it was, wheeee. yeah writign for no audience, this really is like my journal. Except not really as crazy oriented, whooooo!!!!
Seeing as no one will ever read this, pity, I can use it as a way to actually vent in ways not possible by written word. Mostly due to the fact that I cannot write fast enough to match my own thought processes. Even typing has its limitations, but at least a few typos are better than missed ideas. Oh well, yeah just realized there is no real grammar correctness here, eh, what can you do? Who was that question to, whatever.

So work was a fucking annoyance, but does anyone care, no! I know I should leave, but as always I hate change. Plus, I have the skills below that of third world immigrants. Columbia may teach one how to think, and how to apply that to changing the world, but it does not exactly give one the necessary skills to make it before such a time as that, ie, I have no useful abilities. Hmmmm. Sucks, but what can you do?

There is a lot to think about, and seeing as even you won't read this, I can say what I like. I'd be less likely to have things found here, than in "the journal". Ironic no? Why did I just write "you" anyhow. And is it weird that I write to myself as you as well??? Now I just sound like a loon. I need some sort of structure. Xanga is written to the masses. My journal is written for recording purposes and to emote, so as to not go crazy, literally. Best idea Dr. Tsai ever had. So what purpose does this have? I know one thing, if I truly write as much as I have to say each time on here, no one will ever get this far, so I have no fear of being implicated here, hahah. Oh the wonders of me!

Ok, backto brass tacks. What is said purpose, and what are my goals. Well, how about I will write like you are listening, and for once not tearing down my ideas or emotions. Okay, so a sounding board? Perhaps. Of course, the "Contract" is here. So that means initial purose was to keep a record of all decisions and amendments. Which I need to make in two weeks. Must note that to self. Done! Oh yeah, I think my photographic memory is fading, or memory in general. No one knows this, but it scares me. I actually get lost at times driving or even walking, while thinking. Like I cannot remember what I am doing or where I am at, etc. God, I hope its just stupidity. Yet, why would someone have this happen more and more frequently. Ok, second purpose, record of days from third person perspective like journal, but not for my benefit. Makes no sense to anyone but me. That's okay.

It's so funny. I really do have a lot to say. And I realize, I have no audience to listen. My own fault. I would say I will change, but that would change the inherent virtue I carry as well as vice. Definitely martyr complex coming through as Nick would put it. Second note to self, I had thought of telling some people about this, but maybe not. If no one knows, I can truly be honest. God, these are long entries. Where to end?

Well, how about this. Gotterdamerun: Twilight of the Gods...We thought that we were Gods, and treated life as though it were true. There were no consequences, and everything could be reimagined when we made a mistake. Perhaps, now we have suffered the consequences of our actions? I do not know. For my part, I know I will pay for all I have done someday. Perhaps I am now. But, I also know, I have recieved in abundance what I sought almost four years ago....

I'll end there. Later, perhaps I'll explain that, and my great infatuation with things. Third note to self, use this, with Xanga, and of course, Journal, when time comes to write book/memoir. For anyone else but self, probably not. But, as historian, I'd like some tactable memory of me to go on...children and famly aside. Have we reached the Gotterdamerung? We'll see...